The Way Out
a Harry Potter story
by Superimmunegirl
Severus Snape was in his dungeon. It was so dark he could barely see the corners of the room. In front of him was a cauldron. He was brewing a potion. It seemed he'd been doing it for a long time. What was he brewing?
"Atchshhh!" he sneezed. Oh yes. Pepperup.
He found a jar of firewort on the workbench. Sniffling, he opened the jar and sprinkled the herb into the brewing potion, but the bubbling liquid didn't resolve itself into the proper shade. Instead, it slowly turned to mud.
Severus fought the feeling of despair that arose within. His throat hurt, his whole body hurt, and he ached for something to make him feel better. But he had failed again to do this simple thing. He blew his nose, muttered "Evanesco," and started over.
As he was filling the cauldron, he heard a knock at the door. He froze. The knock came again, louder this time.
"Go away," he whispered under his breath. Nobody should be there. He'd been alone for so long, and he didn't want to think about who else might be in this place.
The door handle turned, and the door creaked open. Through it came Remus Lupin.
"It's all right," Lupin said. "It's just me." Severus stared with fear coursing through him, but all Lupin did was gaze back in a neutral, relaxed fashion. They stared at each other for a long time. Severus' fear began to subside, and the werewolf pulled up a chair.
"I don't recall inviting you to sit down, Lupin," said Severus, but he could hardly talk through his hoarseness and congestion.
"You didn't," said Lupin, with a slight smile.
Severus glared, but Lupin said no more. Well, if the man wasn't going to do anything, Severus thought, he might as well return to the task at hand. He turned back to his cauldron. He sneezed again, and again. "Atchhhhish! Atchhumph!" He blew his nose, and began to stir the brew.
"Bless you. Sounds like you've got a cold."
Snape acknowledged it with a brief nod.
"Making a dose of Pepperup, then?"
"Yes." There was a pause, and a silence only broken by the simmering cauldron. The something made him break it, and voice the frustration he'd been dealing with for so long. "That is, I'm trying. But the potion…won't come off right."
"That's too bad," replied Lupin. "You do seem sick. But I'm surprised you're not more concerned with this," Remus said, touching his throat. Snape reflexively brought his hand up, covering up the wounds he tried not to think about, wounds he did not want Lupin to see. But there was no hiding them. Slowly Snape lowered his hand, now stained in the blood that soaked his entire left side. He stared at it for a while. Lupin said rather gently, "Do you know that you're dead?"
"I…I suppose," Severus replied, still staring at the blood on his hand.
"A lot of us are," said Lupin. There was silence for a while. "Do you know what happened? After you died?"
"Do you?"
Lupin nodded. "Harry won, thanks to you. He sacrificed himself, but he didn't die. He lived, and Voldemort was killed. The Death Eaters were defeated."
Severus was wary. "How do you know?"
"Because I know," he said, simply, and Severus suddenly found himself unwilling to ask any more questions. He sneezed again---"Huhhh..TCHOOO!" and turned back to his cauldron. He felt simply terrible, he thought, wiping his nose; he needed medicine. He stirred the cauldron once more.
"Severus, you can leave this place."
The words were simple, but Snape found he had a hard time understanding them.
"Have you even tried the door?" Remus asked.
"I…" Snape looked at it. He hadn't really noticed the door. He shook himself, and turned back to his task. "I'm ill. I need a dose of Pepperup," he said, and began putting ingredients in the cauldron again.
"It won't work."
"Yes it will," Severus replied irritably.
"How many times have you tried?"
Severus couldn't remember. And he succumbed to another miserable fit of sneezing.
"You need healing, Severus," said Lupin. "But you won't get it here. You can't do it yourself."
"Then what am I supposed to do?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"What?"
Remus pointed at the door.
"I…no. No," he muttered, and turned back to his cauldron. He stirred and sprinkled in powdered mermaid's tooth, and stifled a cry of despair when the potion turned an evil shade of green and began to smoke. "Evanesco," he said, his voice breaking as he flicked his wand. He leaned against the workbench and rubbed his eyes. He was so tired.
"Severus, I'm here to help you."
"I don't need help."
"Yes, you do. You've gotten stuck in this place. You haven't really crossed."
Severus appeared to ignore him as he filled his cauldron again. But then he stopped, and when he spoke again there was shame in his voice. "I am…a ghost, then?"
"No, no, you're not a ghost. Your courage didn't fail you; you embarked on the journey. You just need some help to finish it."
"I…" he paused in his work as he tried to understand. But the work pulled him back, and he stirred his cauldron as the fumes swirled around him, promising the healing he so desperately needed. "I've got to finish this, Lupin. I can't go anywhere until I'm feeling better."
"No, Severus," said Remus, and he took gentle hold of the potion maker's wrist. Severus felt something catch in his soul and flood through him, and he knew more clearly than ever that he didn't really have a body anymore, and if only he could let go of the idea that he did, he might see something more. "This is the trap you're in. You cannot heal yourself. Come with me. Let me help you out of here."
Lupin's hand was still on Snape's wrist, and through it he could feel a pull, as if it were really possible to walk out that door. He shook it off, and rubbed the place where he could still feel Remus' touch
"Lily's there too," Remus said.
Severus closed his eyes against pain and hope, and marshaled his deep bitterness to answer. "If she's there, she's there with Potter," he spat.
"It's not like that out there," Remus said with a chuckle. "She wants to see you."
"Why didn't she come, then?"
"She tried. She couldn't get through the door. Neither could Albus."
"And you could?"
"Yes. I think it's because…you weren't expecting me."
It made a strange kind of sense.
Severus was silent for a very long time, contemplating the simmering cauldron and its fumes. He looked at the door, and it seemed he could see light coming through the cracks. "What lies out there?" he finally asked, hoarsely.
"Well…everything. It's hard to describe. You become sort of part of everything, once you let go."
"I feel so awful," Severus said, looking back at the cauldron.
"Then come with me." And Remus reached out and very tenderly touched the wounds of Severus' throat, filling Severus with a heartbroken longing to be touched, to be healed. To be delivered.
"Stop," he cried, unable to bear it, and he turned away, shaking and bent over his work bench. He tried to collect himself. But Remus had broken through something, and there was no going back.
Severus opened his mouth to speak, then hesitated, and tried again. "Will I…will I dissolve? Into whatever is out there?"
"Yes. And no. You have to see to understand."
"What if I'm not ready?"
"Then I'll stay with you until you are."
Severus slowly, stiffly turned back to the cauldron. He slowly picked up his wand and stirred, then added a pinch of doxy wings, then stirred the other way. He stirred, and added more ingredients, and stirred, and…stopped. He looked at the door. He looked back at the cauldron.
"Lily's really there?" he whispered.
"Yes."
"And she…wants to see me?"
"Very much."
Slowly Severus put down his wand. He stepped away from the cauldron.
"All right."
Remus smiled, and led the way, up the winding stairs. The light coming through the cracks of the door grew ever brighter. He walked toward it, determined to be brave, but his footsteps grew heavier and heavier, as if something was chaining him to the floor of his dungeon. He stopped, unable to go on.
"Take my hand," said Remus, and Severus hesitated at the voice that told him that would be ridiculous, holding hands with Remus. But that voice seemed more and more irrelevant, a part of a life he no longer had. Severus looked up at Remus and the hand he offered. He placed his hand in Remus' and felt suddenly lighter. "We wouldn't leave you down here," Remus said with an affectionate smile, and he gently guided Severus Snape up the steps and into the light.