Sneezefic by Snuffles

Hermione paced restlessly in front of the fire place, her hands on her back as she kept throwing nervous glances to the staircase up to the dormitories. It was past midnight and she was the only one in the in the room. She had been there for half an hour already, waiting impatiently.

Finally she heard a light stumble and she turned around just in time to see Harry crawl out from under his cloak.

"Harry!" Hermione hissed. "What kept you?"

"Had to wait for Seamus to finally fall asleep," Harry whispered in return. "I'm quite sure he hides some dodgy magazines under his mattress, and he reads them at night when he thinks no one else is up."

Hermione made a face that was half disgust and half amusement. "Don't tell me, I don't want to know the details." Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly.

Harry leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth to allow her tongue entrance. His hands buried themselves in the long unruly hair he loved so much. They stayed like that for a long moment, until Hermione moaned softly and broke away.

"If we keep that up," she said, slightly out of breath, "I won't be able to stop."

"And that would be a problem because…?" Harry asked teasingly. He knew there was a certified reason, but looking at a flushed Hermione with bruised lips the pros seemed to be outweighing the cons by quite a bit.

"What if Colin Creevey gets up for a drink of water, sees us, and decides to make a few snapshots for his collection?" Hermione listed. "Not to mention Seamus, Dean and Ron coming down here to cheer us on." She shuddered. "If Seamus ever finds out, the whole school knows. I never thought I'd meet anyone more gossipy than Lavender, but he's it."

"Astronomy Tower it is," Harry said with a grimace. The last thing he wanted was for people to catch them at it. He was still smarting from the First-Years-Running-Into-Them-In-The-Greenhouse Incident.

He pulled the invisibility cloak from his robe pocket and draped it around him and Hermione, and they carefully stepped through the exit. The fat lady looked down the hall suspiciously as she was opened and closed without being able to see who was there, but they paid no attention to her. Silently they hurried through halls and up stairs to the Astronomy Tower.

Under the cloak and closely pressed to Hermione, Harry started noticing an irritating tingle in his nose. He sniffed experimentally.

"Are you wearing a new perfume?" he asked Hermione softly.

"Yes", she said, pleased that he'd noticed. "My aunt sent it to me this morning. She must have given it to my mother to owl over. I can't imagine Aunt Helen coming anywhere near an owl. She's terrified of anything with claws."

"Mm," Harry hummed, rubbing his nose.

"Do you like it?" she asked, conscientiously. "It's lilacs."

Harry smelled again, studiously ignoring the growing tickling in his nose. It did smell rather good. "It's really nice," he said to her. "Very sweet and flowery." He saw her smile at him. "It seems to be irritating my nose a little, though. Like I have to sneeze."

"You're not allergic to perfume or flowers are you?" Hermione asked, and Harry shook his head. "Maybe just lilacs?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know if I'm allergic to anything."

"My father used to have terrible hay-fever," Hermione told him. "During the spring he could hardly walk outside without sneezing his head off. He thought it was terribly annoying. I just thought it was kind of funny."

"Bet you were still happy you didn't inherit it," Harry smiled.

"Oh yes," she said. "It's a nuisance, really."

They both stopped in their tracks as they heard a sound ahead. Somewhat nervous even in their invisibility, they waited, pressed against the wall and hands clasped tightly together to wait the disturbance out.

Mrs Norris came trotting down the hall, with Filch not far behind. The caretaker passed the invisible students without noticing a thing, but Mrs Norris slowed her steps and seemed to look straight at them. When Filch turned the nearest corner without realising she had stopped, the scruffy cat looked back and forth between them and the disappearing man and spat angrily before running off after Filch.

After another long minute Harry heaved a sigh of relief. The tickling in his nose had been enough of a distraction that he had been worried he might sneeze and alert the caretaker to their presence. He definitely didn't need yet another detention for being out after curfew.

"I swear she can see us," Harry mumbled, rubbing at his nose fiercely.

"Smell us more likely," Hermione said tartly before looking at him. "Nose still bothering you?"

"It's okay." Harry sniffed a little, and felt the sensation grow stronger exponentially. "Heh… No, wait. Hehh- Ump! Mmp!" he sneezed, smothering it against his sleeve.

Hermione grinned. "Bless you. Feel better now?"

"Yes, it's gone now," Harry answered, finding it so. "Thanks. Let's get moving before we run into someone else."

They walked as fast as they could without making too much noise, their hands still locked together. Running into no more trouble they reached the tower with red cheeks and an excited glint in their eyes. Before Harry had even opened the door to the Astronomy classroom he had lifted Hermione of her feet in a lip-crushing embrace. They hardly ever had a chance to spend some time alone together in a castle filled to the brim with hundreds of students and their perceptive teachers, so that when they managed to sneak off they had the patience of the sixteen year old hormonal teenagers they were.

Stumbling through the door they kissed frantically, Hermione's legs wrapped around Harry's waist as he carried her in and pushed her against the wall. Soon they would have to let go so that they could transfigure some of the tables and chairs in pillows and duvets - a spell Hermione had found not too long ago for which Harry and half the students in the school had been eternally grateful - to make themselves more comfortable in the abandoned classroom. But right now comfort was the last thing on both their minds.

Harry's tongue played wildly with Hermione's, and she moaned deep in her throat, lowering her hands down his back and shoving the cloak and his robes off his shoulder. With a gasp they pulled their lips apart to take a breath, and Harry felt pleasurable warmth rise from deep within his stomach at the sight of her. Her robes fell to the floor, revealing a skin-tight white T-shirt underneath. She was so beautiful like this, he thought, for once not so prim and proper, but passionate and soft, moulding herself against him perfectly. He had never in a million years dreamed he would fall for Hermione this bad - but he had. And it was everything he could have wished for.

"Are you just going to stare at me?" Hermione said, shaking under that alluring green gaze. "Because you can do that all day."

"I never tire of looking at you," Harry said, a sappy grin on his face.

Hermione chuckled and pulled him close. "I know the feeling, but there are other things I never tire of which I'd rather be doing now," she said in a breathy voice before wetting her lips with her tongue. Harry swallowed and before he knew it they were at it again, Hermione's mouth roaming from his lips to the sensitive spot under his ear, and he tilted his head back, groaning. His hands found their way under her shirt and he cupped her lacy bra. Their lips met again and then Harry's mouth found his way down to her neck. He inhaled deeply and halted. "Huh…?"

"Harry?" Hermione gasped, still caught in the moment and wriggling against him. "What is it?"

But Harry didn't hear her - he was focusing on the burning sensation in his nose. Hermione had royally sprinkled her cleavage and throat with the new perfume, and Harry had just breathed in a strong waft of the stuff. Lowering his head his breathing turned distressed, as his face contorted in the concentration of pre-sneezy breaths. "Huh…? Eh… Eehhh..."

"Harry, are you going to…"

"Esh! ESH! Ishoo! Huh-ESHOO! Huh." Harry sneezed, just barely catching them in his hand.

Hermione giggled. "Bless you. Is that the perfume getting to you?"

Harry nodded and then sniffed. "Huh… ehheh… Heh-Eshoo! Huh-ESH! Ooh," he groaned softly. "I never sneeze this much."

"And you never knew you were allergic," Hermione laughed, petting his hair. "The things you learn about yourself."

"I'd rather not haaa… Ha-Ish! have learned this," Harry said darkly, pinching his nose with his fingers. Hermione kept giggling and put her arms around him, kissing him soundly.

"Let's get your mind of it then," She murmured against his lips and pressed herself against him, her hands caressing his chest.

Harry tried to lose himself in her again, but didn't quite manage. His breathing was strained and it seemed as if the perfume was all around her now, and consequently around him too. All he seemed to be inhaling was the heavy scent of lilacs. When the sensation grew too strong to ignore he gently pushed her off him and turned away, not having to wait long.

"Hehhh… heh... ehhh ESH! Eh-Ish! Huh-ESHOO! Huh! Huh… ESHOO! sniff."

"I see this is not going to work," Hermione said, smiling a little disappointed.

"Huh! Uhh... I'm ...heh... sorry..." Harry managed to say before his next sneeze. He sniffed miserably. "You said your father had this a few months ehh... every year? That must be horrible."

"Well, there is medicine to help with it," Hermione said. "I know Madame Pomfrey has lots of potions against allergies. She gave Parvati something for her allergy of cats. I'm sure she'd have some for you. Of course, I could just stop wearing this perfume around you."

"Hah... ESH!" Harry sneezed. "Too bad really - snff - besides making me sneeze like crazy it really does smell nice. ISHOO!"

Hermione looked him over. "But it won't help us tonight. I'll need to take a shower and wash this perfume off before you can even come near me again without sneezing, and we still have to get back to Gryffindor Tower first." She sighed. "Just our luck. We hardly ever get to have any time together."

Harry held his finger under his nose, trying to stave off the sneezes he could feel were still desperate to get loose. "I'm sorry," he said again.

Hermione put her palm against his cheek and looked at him. "It's not your fault, Harry. We didn't know."

Of course, she also had perfume on her wrists and Harry's nose scrunched, unable to keep back more sneezes after being barreled again with the irritating substance.

"Huh... oh, no, ehheehh... Huh! huh-huh ESH! ESHOO! ha-ISH! Heehhh...eeehh... ESH!"

Hermione shook her head, grinning. "We'd better get back before you hurt yourself."

Harry nodded miserably. He hated being unable to control this sneezing fit, and he was feeling helpless with the persistence of it. He really only ever sneezed when he had a cold, and that wasn't often. This constant sneezing was wearing him out quickly.

Again pinching his nose between his fingers he slipped back into his robes as Hermione did the same, and he picked up the invisibility cloak. As they made their way to the door it was opened just as Hermione reached for the doorknob.

Two entangled figures tumbled through the door very much as Hermione and Harry had done not that long ago and collided head-first into them. Harry caught Hermione as she and the new arrivals fell backwards against him and they crashed to the floor, a tangle of limbs and robes.

Looking up Harry found himself staring in the petrified eyes of Justin Finch-Fletchley and Ernie MacMillan, looking as if they had been caught red-handed.

Hermione managed to pull herself off Harry, pushing her hands against the floor on either side of him, but not before he managed to inhale another dose of her perfume. He groaned, finding his breath hitching.

"What are you doing here?" Hermione and Justin exclaimed simultaneously.

"Nothing!" Ernie said hastily, straightening his robes, which had been pulled partially over his head.

"Eshoo!" Harry let himself escape, bringing up his sleeve.

"Harry?" Justin said, surprised. "And Hermione... together?" his face broke into a grin. "Well, well, well. Isn't that something?"

"I wouldn't look too smug if I were you, Finch-Fletchley," Hermione snapped, finding this evening much more troublesome than she ever could have imagined and her patience was wearing thin. After all, a girl could only take so much after being left unsatisfied. "What do you think you and Ernie were going to do here?"

"Um... Stargazing?" Ernie ventured.

Justin nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, what he said."

"Oookay," Hermione said. "What a coincidence. So were we. Weren't we Harry?"

"Huh-Ish!"

Justin and Ernie looked at the raven-haired boy, who was hiding the lower half of his face in the sleeves of his robes. "What's with him?" Ernie asked, as Justin said, "Gesuntheit."

Hermione sighed. "We just discovered that Harry's allergic to my perfume," she muttered darkly.

Ernie and Justin both laughed, and after a little hesitation Hermione was laughing with them.

"Sure," Harry said. "Very -snff- funny... eh! Heh-ISH!"

"Okay then," Justin chuckled. "Not that it hasn't been grand, but I think we'll be going again. The night is short, you know." He looked at Ernie for confirmation. "We'll see if the Divination room is empty."

"For crystal ball reading," Ernie said hurriedly.

"Yeah, whatever," said Justin. "Listen, we won't tell what happened up here if you don't."

"Promised," Hermione said, and Harry nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Justin slipped out the door, and Ernie turned back to them. "You'd better be careful out there. Filch is on the loose," he said, before following after his companion.

"Ernie and Justin," Harry mused, when they listened to the footsteps fading down the stairs. "Who'd have guessed?"

"Honestly Harry," Hermione huffed. "Wasn't it obvious?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "We aren't all as perceptive as you are, Hermione."

She sniffed, but seemed pleased with his statement. "We'd better go too," she said, noticing that he still had a rather glazed pre-sneezy expression on his face that probably wouldn't leave him until they had both showered the perfume off. She was starting to think her aunt had sent her the stuff to prevent her from losing her virginity prematurely, though it was a little too late for that, she thought wickedly.

Throwing the cloak around each other they edged through the corridors, wanting to get back to the common room as fast as they could. Harry kept his fingers pressed firmly against his nose, but the perfume had ingrained itself in his nasal passages, and he couldn't help breathing deeply and haltingly, the occasional sneeze still escaping him.

"Huh...esh!" He sneezed, just as Hermione nudged him and hissed for him to be quiet. They waited, hearing a forceful footstep coming closer and turning the corner before them not long after. To their horror, the footstep belonged to Snape.

Harry froze when he saw the potions master heading straight for them, carrying several bottles with fluids of various colours in his arms. He must have come up from the dungeon, the stairway of which was not that far from here, though where he might be heading Harry couldn't guess.

Hermione pressed herself against him as Snape passed them, ignorant of the fact that two of his most hated students were only inches away from where he walked. His large stride swiftly carried him away from them and Hermione let out a silent sigh of relief.

Harry on the other hand, was far from relieved. Hermione was so close to him, and the cloak entrapped the perfume between them, teasing him with what a relief it would be to sneeze the grating substance from his abused nostrils. It was so prickly and tingly that his face scrunched with sensation of it.

"Hehh... Heh... Hermione..." He breathed, his chest heaving.

She immediately understood his distress. "Harry, no!" she whispered urgently, seeing Snape was still walking close enough to hear the expelling sneezes, especially in the dead-silent acoustic hallways.

Harry tried to rub the tickle from his nose but that only seemed to encourage it. His nose was so inflamed and the need so urgent that he knew he could not smother these sneezes. And he was certain he couldn't stop them from coming.

"Hehh... Heeeehh... uh... hueehh..." His breathing hitched with the effort to contain the release he so desperately needed.

"Just breathe through your mouth," Hermione advised, watching him anxiously. From the corner of her eyes she saw that Snape had only just turned into another passage.

It was way too late for that, Harry knew, and he wheezed helplessly, eyes tearing with the strain. "Huuuhhh... hehhh... ehehhh..." His head bopped in time with his breathing and Hermione could tell there was no stopping it. She pulled his head against her robe-clad chest in the hopes of smothering the sound.

"Huh...! HUSHOO!!" Harry let go, not caring anymore and feeling relief down to his toes. "Huh-ESHOO!! Hehhh HISHOO!" He pressed his face against Hermione's robe, knowing there were far more sneezes coming, but that for the moment the worst was over. He hardly dared to move for fear of starting his nose to act up again. If only Snape hadn't heard!

Hermione stared down the hall, keeping her arms around Harry and hiding his face in her robes. They had muffled the sound somewhat, but she could tell Snape had heard by the halting of his footsteps.

For a moment there was complete silence as both parties listened for the other. Then Snape's footsteps backtracked, until his face appeared around the corner. His black eyes pierced the hallway, and Hermione shuddered as they seemed to look straight at her. Harry was still breathing heavily against her robe, but not loud enough for Snape to hear unless he came closer.

"Who's there?!" Snape demanded, looking the other way. "Don't think I don't know what you troublemakers use the Astronomy Tower for!"

He stepped fully into the hallway, and after a last glance down the passage Harry and Hermione were in, he strode the other way, heading for the Astronomy Tower. As they distantly heard him pound up the stairs, Hermione pulled her wand from her robe pocket and waved it around her and Harry. "Silentio Totalis," she whispered.

"What? Huh... Huhhh... Ish! What was that? Huh... Eshoo!" Harry managed, unable to stop the sneezes from overcoming him again as soon as he opened his mouth, though he had a strong suspicion that it didn't matter anymore.

"Silencing spell," Hermione said. "I can hit myself for not thinking of it before. But I didn't remember about it until Snape was right upon us. Now no one can hear the two of us until I lift the spell."

"Huh! Heuuuh... Good. Huh... Ashoo! heh-Ish! ISH! Huh...ESHOO! ISH! Huh...huh! uh... ehehh..." Harry rubbed his nose for what seemed to be the hundred time, gasping through his mouth, and muttered, "Heh...um... I hehh... hate when that heh... happens."

"Got a sneeze stuck?" Hermione teased him, more relaxed now that they were both invisible and soundproof.

Harry nodded miserably, not wanting to sneeze again but knowing that was the only thing that would get rid of the insistent fierce tickle in his nose. "Hehhh... uh... AH! uh... damn."

Hermione grinned wickedly and pulled his head back against her neck, causing his hands to flay outwards. "Smell this," she ordered.

Harry struggled but didn't manage to keep from inhaling more lilac. "HIEHH!" he wheezed dramatically. "Hah... hahh... Hermione...! Heh... hehhhh ehhh..." He paused a second and then tilted his head back in relief. "Heehh... Heh-ESHOO! ISH! ISH! ehh... ESHOO! Hah... hah-ASHOO! Hehh... ESH! hehh... heh HISHOO ehh... ehhehh... ESHOOO!! uh." He shook his head and sagged exhausted against his tormentor. "Wow -sniff- that was intense."

Hermione laughed heartily and steered him in the direction of their common room. "You will get a potion against lilacs from Pomfrey in the morning," she told him. "And I'm going to bury the bottle my aunt gave me in the Forbidden Forest. It's more trouble than it's worth."

"Esh!" Harry sneezed weakly in reply. "I'm sorry," he said then, his voice hoarse from all the sneezing. "This wasn't how I imagined this night."

"Don't worry, love," Hermione said, pushing her shoulder under his arm and supporting the boy down the corridor to the portrait of the Fat Lady. "We'll have other nights like it."

They looked at each other. "Well, maybe not quite like it," she said, and even Harry managed a chuckle as they entered the common room.

The End

In no way am I trying to infringe on the rights of J.K. Rowling or her publishers. I'm making no money out of this.