What Happens When You Stop Caring
a Harry Potter story
by Niki
1
Zia sighed as the page in front of her blurred. She tried to fill it out, but the statement,” All claims will be subject to investigation,” worried her. The ministry was known for its superior investigations.
Remus had come by earlier and given her a stack of forms. On the top it said, “Healer Registry.” Apparently, they wanted to know who the healers were, where and what exactly their abilities were. Zia didn’t want to answer. She’d already lost her life once to the necessity of hiding who and what she was. She didn’t want to lose it again.
She had three days to answer and arrive in person to deliver the forms. At which time, she would be run through a series of tests which would prove her abilities and intuitive reflexes. After that, she would be assigned to … somewhere. But, she didn’t want to be assigned, she had an assignment, they just didn’t know about it.
“Hep-Chaigachoo!”
Starting with that. She hid the stack of papers wand went to the door. Severus had been getting a lot of colds as of late. His insomnia and stress were keeping him from remaining well, despite her best efforts. When she opened the door, she saw the corners around his eyes relax. He held his handkerchief to his face.
“Hek-chem! Hah-Chagechum! Igashigho!” Quickly, he walked inside, ignoring her blessing.
“What was your day?” she asked, feeling lame. He hadn’t had a good day in months. Between the Followers and the Order, he was running himself ragged.
“Dreadful,” he croaked, as he sat heavily in his easy chair.
She went to him, but before she could touch him he snapped, “Don’t touch me!”
Then there was that. He didn’t seem to want her to touch him anymore. In the 7 years they had been together, he had shut out a lot of people – but never her. Now, that was changing.
“Okay,” she said, trying not to let the hurt show in her voice. She made his tea – a combination of peppermint, orange peel, and anti-curse serum.
He tried to sniff at it, but was too congested.
“It’s your usual,” she said, sitting down on the couch.
“Nothing in id this tibe?”
“Nothing in it,” she assured him. She had tried to add a sleeping agent the week before, but he was so infuriated that she feared doing it again.
“Anything of note happen today?”
“Nothing I’ll be disclosing,” he answered formally.
Not that she was surprised. In his withdrawal from her, communication had shut down as well. Her thoughts went back to her paperwork.
“You seem distracteb,” he said, breaking her out of her thoughts.
“Just thinking about Arthur,” she lied.
“Whad’s wrong width Arthur?” He held up one finger and blew harshly into his handkerchief.
“He’s been promoted…assigned to trying to find out what’s making so many muggles die all of the sudden. Trying to figure out if it’s the new uprising, trying to wipe out muggle-kind.”
“That would be my th- thought – oh Merlin – Assisgsh! Kesshwgh! Etchigashtchoo!” The last sneeze was painfully wet and nearly doubled him over.
“Bless you,” she said softly. She went to his side and pushed his hair behind his ear.
He winced and pulled away from her. “Don’t touch me,” he insisted, pushing her gently away from him.
“Severus, how can I help you if you won’t let me near you?”
“You can stay away from me.”
“Sev, you’re not alone this time. I’ve been through this with you twice before – let me be there for you this time.”
“I don’t want you there,” he snarled at her. She paused. Everything had been going so well up until now. She had allowed herself to believe he wanted her there. She thought she knew him – the real him, not the bastard he portrayed himself to be. Her heart sank as she realized she was wrong.
“Heh-chump!” he stifled the sneeze and rubbed his nose through his handkerchief.
“Bless-.”
“GET AWAY FROMB ME!” he bellowed, standing up abruptly.
Shaken, she walked away from him. “Dinner is in the cauldron,” she said as she left the room.
2
“Did you tell Severus about the Ministry?” Remus asked, the next day, at lunch.
“No.”
Remus looked at her, confused. “Why?”
“He doesn’t care,” she answered quietly.
“What?” Remus had known Severus for over 20 years. He’d never seen him so loving and devoted to anyone or anything. Her answer didn’t sound like him at all.
“He’s got too many other things on his mind. He won’t care about this,” she continued.
“How are you going to fill out the paperwork?”
“I’m just going to say that I’m an out of practice healer, that hasn’t worked since the last War. Really not so far from the truth.”
“I’m sure we can arrange a… change,” Remus said pensively. Zia had already changed her name, appearance, and life once. He was offering her the chance to do it again.
“No.”
Remus nodded. “Is it because of Severus?”
Zia turned to him, her eyes blazing with fury, “It’s because I don’t’ want to lose everything again. Severus wouldn’t notice if I dropped dead tom orrow. I told you, he doesn’t care!” With that, she slammed money down on the table and stormed out of the restaurant.
3
When Severus got home that night, she was still working on the paperwork. When she looked up, she gasped – he was pale as a ghost and violently shaking.
“Severus, what-.”
“The serum,” he interrupted. “Heshigachoosssh!” He doubled ov er and slowly righted himself as she got the serum.
“Here,” she said, as she pulled the stopper out. After he took it, she quickly went back to the kitchen.
He drank it down quickly, not wanting to taste it, and winced at the bitter taste it left in his mouth.
“Here,” she said, handing him a mug of tea. “Spearmint.”
He nodded and drank that down too. He quickly turned to the side. “Rashhtchoo!” he sneezed heavily.
“Bless,” she ventured, tentatively.
“Thank you,” he replied gruffly. He repressed a few coughs, then looked that the table. “Whad are you workig on?”
“Just some papers for the Ministry.”
“Stuff with Arthur?”
“Not really. But, nothing that you should be concerned about.”
“Is it anything I need to be responsible for?” “No.”
He chuckled briefly. “Then you’re right, nothing I care about.” He smiled and then added, “That’s why I love you, you’re so intuitive.” He noticed that she didn’t smile back at him. ‘Odd,’ he thought. “Is dinner ready?”
She sighed. “Oh, hon, I’m sorry. I lost track of time. I’ll heat something up, if you’d like.”
He nodded.
She went to the kitchen and heated up the leftover stew. “How are you feeling?” she called to him. She contemplated Remus’ offer. Disappearing again. Starting over. Obviously Severus wouldn’t care. Remus would know, so she would still have one friend left. The offer was intriguing.
“Dreadful,” he answered. “Haptgsshh!”
“Is there anyway you can not leave the house tomorrow?”
“Hepsssh! I wish.” He blew his nose forcefully.
She brought him his dinner and went back to her paperwork.
4
"HARESSH!" Severus awoke with a violently wet sneeze. Although he didn't know it was possible, he felt even more miserable than he had the day before. "Zia?" he croaked. Nothing. He reached over to Zia's side of the bed. The covers were pulled up, and the bed was cool. She hadn't been there in quite some time. He regretted being cold with her the night before, but felt to miserable to think on it right then. So, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. The cool air chilled him and he shivered as he felt his head start swimming. "Hah-HARESSH!" The thunderous sneeze exploded out of him. His head pounded in protest and he plucked two tissues from the box on his night stand. He blew his nose loudly and groaned as he felt himself fall back onto his pillows. "Zia?" he called out, louder this time. Still nothing.
Nervous anxiety clenched at his stomach. It wasn't like her not to come when he needed her. But, she hadn't told him she had anything planned either. Wrapping the comforter around his shoulders, he slowly went into the living room. Although he was fearful that he would find her injured or unconscious, he became panicked when she wasn't there at all. `Has she left me?' he wondered. `Not that I would blame her, but … no!' Suddenly, he saw it: a note adhered to the mantle.
Sev, I'll probably be back later. Call the Ministry if not.
~Z~
He reread the letter. The Ministry? The paperwork. What did she mean when she'd written that she'd probably be back later? Quickly, he owled Arthur and Remus. If anybody would know where she was, they would.
Remus was the first to arrive. "Severus… what… you look awful," he said, going to the taller man's side immediately. When Severus only nodded in reply, Remus helped him to the couch. "What are you doing out of bed?" he chided him.
Severus coughed heavily in reply.
Suddenly, Arthur stepped through the fireplace. "I can't stay long, Severus, what's going on?" Then after looking at him, he added, "And what are you doing out of bed?"
"Where is Zia?" he asked both men.
"I don't know. Probably at the Ministry," Arthur answered. "Why?"
He showed both men the note. Then watched at the two of them looked at each other nervously.
"What?" he asked.
"You don't know? She didn't tell you?" Remus asked.
"If I di-di-did do you thig – oh scuseme – Hessarchsh! Arsh! Tesshh!" He blew his nose loudly, then continued, "Do you think I'd have called for you?"
"Bless, and no," Remus answered. "Arthur, did registrations start today?"
Arthur's jaw went slack. "You don't think she went alone?"
"Went where?" Severus snapped, irritably.
Both men exchanged worried glances. "Well, um, you know that the Ministry likes to register certain…types of people," Arthur began.
"Yes," Severus knew all too well, being registered with them himself.
"Well, they decided to register the healers. Get their abilities in the system. Transfer them places were they are most needed. Things like that. Zia must have gone to register."
Severus' eyes widened in alarm. "But she… she can't. They'll they'll do a background check. She has no background."
Both men nodded, unsure of what to say.
"She was offered the chance to change again. She declined it," Remus told him.
Severus was stunned. Not that she hadn't take the chance to hide again, but that she hadn't told him. He felt that he should have been there for her, especially for something this big.
"Why didn't she tell me. Hetchssha!"
"Bless," Remus said, gently. He remembered their conversation at lunch. `He doesn't care,' she had said. `He wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow.'
"What is it Lupin?" Severus snapped.
"Nothing."
"You're a terrible liar." He sniffed liquidly.
"Look, I have to get going," Arthur said, abruptly. "I'll try to find her in the system. Maybe they'll tell me something."
"Thanks Arthur," Remus said dryly.
Arthur disappeared in a burst of flame, and Severus asked his question again.
"Don't call me by my last name!" Remus snapped. "Look I don't know what you did, but all I can say is you know how to ruin a good thing!"
"What are you talking about?"
"She didn't tell you because she thought you didn't care," Remus blurted out. He watched as Severus' face crumpled.
Severus recalled telling her just the other day that he didn't care. `No wonder she didn't smile,' he thought. He recalled yelling at her when she had tried to help. Blocking her out when she had tried to help. He had been so wrapped up in his own mind, that he had treated her appallingly. "We've got to help her."
"Sev, she's in the system now." He went to put a hand on his knee, but Severus jerked away.
"What's up with that?" Remus asked.
"Just the curses, and the anti-curse serum… it all makes me h-hah- hurt-HAH-ETGSSHH" Huge and wet the sneeze exploded out of him. Luckily, he was able to direct it away from Remus.
"Bless," Remus said, handing him a handkerchief. He waited until Severus had relieved his nose and then asked, "Did you tell her that?"
"No. I figured she knew."
"How would she know?"
"Working with the anti-curses the last two wars," Severus answered like Remus was the dumbest being on the planet.
"She's never worked with those. She's always worked with the people before and after – getting their secrets and stuff."
Severus leaned back on the couch. Suddenly, everything made sense. If she didn't know he was in pain, she wouldn't know to stop touching him. She was trying to make him feel better and all he did was bring her down. "I don't deserve her," he whispered.
`We've been saying that for years,' Remus thought, but kept it to himself.
With sudden resolve, Severus burst out with, "We have to go to her."
"Sev, it's too late. Just wait for her to come home."
"No no… I have to be there. They're going to test her, I know it."
"Test?"
"Test, like when you go for your annual registration."
"Sev, there is no test," Remus said, looking into Severus' fever bright eyes. He was sure the man was delirious.
"They tested my skills; they're going to test hers. And then she'll either be known for what she is, discovered for what she's not, or they'll tell her she can't be a healer anymore." Severus was frantic. He got up and rushed to the bedroom. Although he was worn out by the time he got there, it didn't slow him at all.
Remus was right on his heels. "Severus, it's okay. She'll be okay. She's one tough cookie. Just relax." He could see the exhaustion in Severus' features.
"Maybe," Severus said, breathlessly, "I'll just take a quick nap first."
"Sounds good," Remus said, and stayed in the room to be sure he did.
"Zia?" a crisp woman's voice called.
"Hm?" she looked up.
"Well, you're not an occulmencer, are you?" the woman asked, laughing.
"Um…no." She was, partially, but she had ignored it when they'd called her telepathically. "So, miss… um…"
"Morgan."
"Right, Morgan. Have you had any ailis'?"
"No." This wasn't a total lie. Zia was the ailis.
The woman scribbled something.
"LET ME SEE HER!" they both heard from the waiting area.
Zia recognized the voice immediately: Severus. But, she kept herself composed and said, "You sure do get an interesting bunch in here."
The woman smiled knowingly. "Yes, we do."
"Do NOT restrain me! Remus! Zia!"
The woman looked at her incredulously. "You know him?"
Zia sighed. "That would be my boyfriend."
"Well," the woman said, obviously frustrated, "what do you say about calming him down. I need to see a test of your abilities, anyway. And, it's quicker than bringing you to St. Mungos."
Zia flashed her a weary smile. "Sure."
"Here," the woman said, tapping Zia on the head with her wand.
"What was that for?" Zia practically yelled.
"It'll just report back to me any healing talents you use."
"I'm a bit out of practice."
"All the more of a reason why I have to see what comes naturally to you. Go ahead dear. Before he hurts someone – or gets hurt himself."
Zia exited the office. Severus was holding one man against the wall, while Remus tried to get him to let go.
"Severus!" she yelled.
Quickly, he dropped the man. "Zia?" he asked quietly. "What in bloody hell are you doing?" she snapped. She looked him over. He looked infinitely worse than he had the day before.
He sneezed wetly three times, but luckily Remus was there for him to lean on. "Z," he breathed heavily.
"I'm sorry, Zia, I couldn't convince him to stay home."
She walked up to Severus, and whispered, "Please don't make this harder than it already is. Let Remus take you home."
Two tears dripped down his face. "But, Z, I'm so sorry -."
"Shhh, let Remus take you home."
He looked in her eyes and saw her blue eyes shining back at him. He smiled. "Okay, love," he said as he kissed her forehead. "I'll see you at home."
With quiet dignity she walked back into the office.
"Basic healing abilities formed from intuition, huh?" the woman behind the desk asked.
"Yea."
The woman nodded. "You're lucky you've made it this long. Most natural healers were taken out in the last two Wars."
"Don't I know it." She paused and then continued, "Do you need anything else from me?"
The woman shook her head and smiled. "No, go home. Take care of your boyfriend. He looks like he needs it."
As Zia went to leave, the woman also added, "If you want to enhance your abilities, we have some very good training classes."
"I'll think about it," Zia said and left for home.
5
When Zia stepped out of her fireplace, she saw Remus sitting on the couch trying to plead with an obviously angry, and sick, Severus.
“Please, sit down. You don’t know how much longer she’s going to be.”
“Har-ISSH! I can’t. I just can’t. Her alone there. Heh- I just hah- can’t. Hah-ESSH!”
“How about if I’m home now?”
As Severus turned to her a look of relief crossed his face. “Zia,” he breathed, just before he knees gave out. Luckily, Remus saw it coming and caught him.
“Easy there,” he said, lowering Severus onto the couch.
“Remus, are you able to bring him into the bedroom? I have to make some tea.”
Cocking an eyebrow at her, he nodded his head and helped Severus into the bedroom.
After brewing a cup for each of them – lavender and chamomile for her nerves, chamomile and peppermint to mask the serum in Severus’, and Peppermint Polka – a blend of Peppermint and Spearmint for Remus – she came into the bedroom.
“Now, Severus, what have I told you about being discrete?” she joked.
Remus nearly spit out his mouthful of tea, but Severus’ eyes turned stony.
Realizing that he shouldn’t be present for the conversation that was about to ensue, Remus politely excused himself and left.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Zia?” Severus asked, his voice gravely.
“It didn’t concern you.”
“You concern. Anything that concerns you concerns me.”
“You didn’t care that I was helping Arthur.”
“That’s because Arthur needs so much help we’d STILL be having that conversation.”
“True. Drink your tea.”
He took another sip. “So, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why s hould I?” she snapped. She watched his eyes flicker with hurt and then turn stony again. “You don’t talk to me, anymore. You don’t want me to touch you or be near you. You don’t listen to me. All I am is your healer.”
Severus was deeply hurt. “Zia, that’s not true.”
“Oh yea? Before this stupid uprising you would have at least sneaked a peak at what I was working on. I gave you plenty of chances. Instead you have to humiliate me in front of everybody, and make it so that I can barely keep my soul healing abilities to myself. Do you understand what would happen if people found out that some of the original Soul Healers were still about? Don’t you understand that that has ‘target’ written all over it?”
“Har-Essh!” She was right. All of it was correct. He had been a complete git. He treated her badly and then put her at risk. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “No, don’t worry about it.”
“But, I am… I mean… well … at least it’s done with and you didn’t take Remus’ offer.”
“He told you huh? Well I must say, it was tempting.”
“He also told me that … wait…what do you mean it was tempting?”
“Severus, you don’t need me anymore. Hell, for the most part you don’t want me anymore. So what the hell am I doing here?”
He was silent. Unsure of what to say or do he took another sip of tea.
His silence only fueled her anger. “Oh Merlin, I was right.”
“About what?”
“You wouldn’t notice if I dropped dead tomorrow.”
That got a response .
“I most certainly would!”
“Yes, your teas wouldn’t be ready,” she snapped back.
He thought about all she did for him: the serums, the teas, the touch and affection, drawing him out, making him laugh. He thought about all he did for her: the touches, the trips, the laughter he inspired. And then he thought about the last time he did any of those things – it had been months. “Oh, dear one, I’m so sorry. I didn’ t mean to ignore you.”
She shook her head again. “You’ve had a lot on your mind. I didn’t mind not being able to go to you. But I do mind that you didn’t want to know and then raged at the Ministry because of it. You can’t have it both ways.”
She was right of course, but how many ‘sorry’s’ did she want? “I know. I just felt like I was losing you. Like I was messing up a good thing,” he said, using Remus’ analogy.
She shrugged. “I’ll get over it. Now budge over,” she said climbing into bed.
It wasn’t a fix, but it was a start. And just before she fell asleep she heard him promise that he’d never stop caring again.
Disclaimer: HP and the world are not mine. Zia, is my own character. Soul Healer is SuperImmune Girl’s.