Love Lessons
a Harry Potter story
by midnight_angel_girl
James Potter looked at the bulletin board in the main hall.
"Trouble getting the one you want?"
Inexperienced in the art of wooing?
Shy and awkward around that special someone?
Then, come to my love lessons.
The Doctor of Love is offering them to you
FREE OF CHARGE as a public service
To help those less knowledgeable about
Love learn how to finally get the one they desire.
Meet me Friday, at 6 pm in Room 1225."
The mysterious Doctor of Love'Hmm...' he thought. 'Perhaps this "Dr. of Love" would be able to help him finally get Lily Evans.' He made a note of the time and location and continued to Ancient Runes.
Not 5 minutes later, Severus Snape passed by the same bulletin board, and the same ad caught his eye.
'Hmm...' he thought. 'Love lessons. I could certainly use some help, and the price is right. Maybe after this, I'll finally be able to land James Potter.' He, likewise, made a note of the time and location and continued to Arithmacy.
Friday Night:
James Potter headed for room 1225. He had managed to get away from the rest of the marauders by telling them he was going to work on a History of Magic essay. Remus had offered to come with him to help keep him focused, but James had told him he wanted to be alone. He slipped into the room and looked around. It was one of the lounges used for studying and meetings between houses when common rooms could not be used. He settled on a sofa and pulled out a quill and parchment in case notes were required.
A few minutes later, Snape slipped in. Like James, he settled on a couch and pulled out quill and parchment, then looked around. His heart stopped momentarily when he saw the object of his affection, James Potter, sitting there.
"You can't honestly tell me you, the great and mighty James Potter, needs love lessons." he said in a sarcastic drawl.
"Well it's obvious you do. How long has it been since you've had a date?"
Any answer Snape might have had was cut off when a caped man swished into the room.
"Good evening." the masked man said dramatically in a bad French accent. "I am the amazing Dr. Padfoot, the.." dramatic pause, "Doctor of Love. And you two are apparently the only two students in all of Hogwarts brave enough to admit that you need my help. I had hoped for a few more subjects, but, well, you take what you can get, do you not."
"I should have known you were doing this. Padfoot, take off that silly mask." James ordered.
"Take off my mask!" The "doctor" cried. "Unmask myself? Surely you are joking." James fixed him with a stern glare. "Ok, ok, but I can keep the cape right?" he broke character to ask.
"Fine, but lose the ridiculous accent. You're from London, for Merlin's sake."
"Fine." Padfoot grumbled. "Now, let's begin," he said in his normal voice. "Since there are no more students, the two of you are partners. Stand up and come together." He paused and sang. "Right now, over me."
"Black, I was under the impression that these were serious lessons." Snape began to snarl.
"Correct. They are Sirius lessons.."
"Sirius, do you have anything to teach or are we just wasting our time? I do have an essay I could be writing."
"I do have stuff to teach." Sirius protested. "You can benefit from my expertise."
"Then stop acting like a goofball and teach. Or I'll tell Remus who hid his chocolate frogs."
"Fine, just don't tell on me." Padfoot squeaked. "Lesson 1: Compliments. When wooing someone, it is always important to compliment them on something they've done or appearance. Example:" He pulled a rooster hand puppet out of his robes and placed it on his hand. "This is Hank. For example, I could tell Hank, the yellow of your feathers goes really good with your eyes. Or: your crowing this morning was the best you've ever done. And Hank will respond by saying thank you. Now you try. Snape, you compliment James, then James, compliment Snape."
Snape looked at James. "Umm, well, you did very well at the serpentsortia charm today." He offered awkwardly.
"Thank you. Ummm...you're looking less greasy today."
"Thank you. I stole Malfoy's shampoo this morning since he keeps hiding mine." Snape replied.
"Alright. Very good. Lesson two is grooming. It is important to always look your best. Snape, stealing Malfoy's shampoo, a definite step in the right direction James, honestly, can't you do something about your hair?"
"No, it's cursed. My great-great-great-grandfather insulted another wizard's hair, and since then the eldest Potter male has been cursed with messy hair."
"Okay. Along with that is cologne. I recommend this one; it automatically adjusts to the wearer so it smells good no matter who wears it. Just spray some around your chest." He handed the bottle to James. James sprayed the bottle and wrinkled his nose. Turning his head the opposite direction, he pushed the bottle on Snape. "Here..ershoo. " Snape took the bottle and tentatively sprayed himself. A few seconds later, James sneezed again. "Huh-ehshoo. "
"Bless you." Snape mumbled.
""He always sneezes after someone sprays cologne." Sirius explained as James lightly blew his nose.
"It's a reflex thing." James flushed slightly.
"All right. Next is atmosphere. Now, if the two of you will step out for a moment while I prepare." He ushered his "students" out of the room. Give me a few minutes.
James and Snape stood awkwardly in the hallway until Sirius let them back in the room. He had covered the table with a lace tablecloth and the lighting in the room came from lilac scented candles, strategically placed throughout the room. The light scent hung in the air. "Sit at the table." He instructed. When they were seated, Padfoot continued his lesson. "What we have here is ambience, then mood, the atmosphere. In the subtle art of wooing, the mood is very important. The wrong mood, your night can be ruined. Using the candles, I have created romantic lighting. Can you feel the romance?"
"I can feel my nose itching." James muttered to Snape, rolling his eyes at Padfoot's theatrics. Snape nodded, rubbing his nose as well.
"Now, by setting a romantic mood, you let the person know that you are interested in them and, hopefully, put them in a romantic mood as well. Scented candles are a nice touch, I feel. Any questions, so far?"
James and Snape turned their heads away from each other and sneezed.
"Uh-chushoo. "
"Heh-echh. "
They both rubbed their noses and looked at Padfoot. "No questions. Good. Well, let's con-"
"Hih-choo." James sneezed again.
"Bless you." He looked at James. "Are you ok?"
"I think it's...huuh-hush ...the cadles." Snape put in.
James nodded. "Put theb out ad an...ahnchoo ...ad air out the roob."
"Plehh...eh-hetchh ...please."
"Sirius pulled out his wand. "Instiguere aura." The candle flames flared up, and the scent grew heavier in the room.
"Huh-chuhh ...Padfoot, whahh...ah-shishh ...what did you do? Ahr-choo."
"Dolt. You...hurchehh ....you used the wrog spell...arsheshh, huh-cheshh. Do the rihh...ihhshahhh ...right ode."
"I can't remember it. I thought I had the right one."
"So, what are we supposed to do? Ehshoo ."
"I don't know. I'm the doctor of love, not a doctor of allergies."
"Gehh...ehshoo ...get Boody." James yelled.
"Moony?"
"Boody, ah..ahnchoo , ad tissues. Heh-chushoo."
"Ad hurry...ah-eschhh, hah-ahschh ."
Sirius ran from the room, leaving James and Snape sitting there, sneezing. James got up and attempted to blow out the candle closest to him.
"Bagic cadles." he sniffled. "Heh-shoo. "
A few minutes later, Sirius returned with Remus. Remus looked around the room and at Snape and James sneezing. "Oh boy." he sniffled, rubbing his own sensitive nose.
"Exstinguere aerate." he muttered quickly before sneezing himself. "Hah-ahshoo. " He pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket as Sirius distributed tissues to James and Snape. "Again with the scented candles, Padfoot? One would thihh...ihshoo ...think you'd have learned by now. How many time have we hahhh...harshoo ...had a problem with this?" Sirius looked down at his feet. "Padfoot has overlooked something very important. You should find out if someone has allergies before using scented candles."
"Or bake sure you...huhshoo ...dow the spells to fix it." James added, blowing his nose loudly. "Thaks, Boody."
"Hah-ehpschh ." Snape stifled into a tissue. "Thaks, Lupid. C'bod Jabes, let's get out of here." He blew his nose loudly as he and James left the room. "That is the last tibe I take lessods ihh...ihn-chahh ...id anything frob Black." he grumbled.
"I agree. Eh-chhushhh ."
After they left, Remus looked at Sirius. "Hondestly, Padfoot, are you ever going to learnd? Huh-ihshoo. "
"Bless you, my Moony. I know you'll always be there to help me out." he shrugged.
"Hehtschoo . You're going to have to listend to be and Jambes sneezing all dight, you dow. Hitsschoo "
Sirius shrugged again and pulled Moony onto the sofa for some uninterrupted snogging.
I don't own anything here.
This is just a very silly story. Padfoot as the doctor of Love comes partly from the story "Stuck in Idiotville" by Lady Stone on FFnet. (It is a great silly plotless story, love it.) The cape Padfoot is wearing is not the wizarding type capes; I saw it as more of a batman cape, and the black mask is like one of those mardi gras eye masks.