Cake or Death?
an Eddie Izzard story
by Kat Leaf
Beth pushed her hair back behind her ears irritably and cursed Deanna for calling in sick for what had to be the thousandth time since her shift started. Yes, the flu was going around but really - on Halloween? One would have thought that the storm world have kept people inside, but no, Halloween's power to bring out the freakish and annoying seemed to know no bounds. Rain hammered on the roof and she added the meteorologist to her list of people who deserved slow and painful deaths. Her hair dropped back into her eyes as she attempted to dish up a salad, and Eddie topped the list. He might like her hair longer, but it was so much easier when it was chopped off. What did he know anyway? He might be an executive transvestite, but he'd never worked in a coffee shop - or had long hair.
The bell above the door jangled, but she only caught the briefest glance at the person who entered as she crossed the room with the salad, a sandwich and two bowls of mocha balanced on her tray. "I'll be with you in a moment," she called over her shoulder without actually looking. Her main concern was not slipping in the water people had tracked in and dumping scalding hot coffee all over herself. She'd already nearly busted her ass twice, offering much amusement to a table of frat boys as she did a little dance to hold her balance - all she needed was to do it with a full tray.
A bray of drunken laughter drew her attention momentarily from the couple she was serving. She glanced toward the source of the disturbance, but couldn't make out what was so amusing. She clenched her teeth and tried not to scowl. The next asshole who puked in the bathroom would have to clean it up himself, she vowed. She waited as the yuppies examined their food carefully to make sure her pink hair hadn't contaminated it. At last they seemed as satisfied as they were going to get, and with a falsely cheerful 'enjoy!', Beth walked back to the coffee bar to help whoever had come in.
Their back was to her, hunched miserably over the counter, trying to ignore continuing commentary from the frat boys at the next table. The meteorologist would clearly be on their shit list too - they were completely soaked. It looked almost as if they had been wandering the streets, despite the rain. They ran a hand through wet hair, and Beth caught a glimpse of bright blue nails through blond tinted hair. Suddenly suspicious, she rounded the counter, her heart sinking.
"Eddie; what are you doing here?" He was supposed to be out on a date. At least that was what he'd told her when he stopped by the coffee shop briefly before his show. He had been grinning from ear to ear, all 'tarted up' as he preferred to call it, in his favorite leather mini-skirt, black stiletto boots, and silk kimono top. The blue star-bursts on the black background brought out the intense blue of his eyes. Even after all the time they'd been friends, somehow his eyes always took her by surprise. The vibrant red of his lipstick had emphasized the curve of his lips, the stilettos making his long legs look even longer. He looked, as she told him, good enough to eat. He had preened slightly, a rather adorable blush coloring his cheeks. She'd rarely seen him so nervous about meeting a girl, but apparently Melissa was something special. Not that she saw it... but it wasn't her date. Or her choice who he dated.
He looked up at her now with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Not that it would have fooled her. He looked horrible. Gone was the excitement, the pride. His makeup had run in the rain, streaking his cheeks with mascara and eyeliner, and his hair, which had been so jauntily styled at the beginning of the evening, had collapsed, plastering itself to his forehead and dripping into his red-rimmed eyes. "Afraid my plans were canceled on account of rain." His voice, usually velvet smooth with the British accent she so loved, was slightly roughened.
Beth cocked a brow. "Melissa afraid of melting if she got a little damp?" Rain, right.
Eddie frowned at her. "Jealousy doesn't become you, love."
"In your dreams." Although there was something about him like this... bedraggled, but somehow all the more attractive for that... Consciously derailing that train of thought, she reached into the pocket of her apron and pulled out a tissue, handing it to him without another word. Friends was all they were, friends all they would ever be. He wasn't interested, and she... well, she hadn't been, had she? As he wiped his face, she began instead to scrub down the counter and stack the coffee cups and empty plates beside the sink. If she waited long enough he would tell her the story, but she couldn't press him. Otherwise he would either go silent or crack jokes.
There was a flash of lightning and the lights flickered. Beth looked up at them rather hopefully. If the lights went out she could close early, customers or no customers. But no, they stayed resolutely on. She sighed, the sound drowned by the following clap of thunder. Eddie flinched, shivering in his drenched clothes. Under his jacket his shirt was very likely ruined.
"Cake or death?" Beth quoted one of his jokes with a grin, hoping to lighten his mood.
Eddie stuck out his tongue. "Death, please."
"Well we're out of death. We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush."
Eddie finally managed a tiny smile. "So my choice is 'or cake?' Tea then, I suppose."
The crowd in the corner burst into laughter and over the din she could hear one comment, "The fuck is a she-male doing in here? Might be Halloween, but freaks like that shouldn't be allowed in public."
What little color there was in Eddie's cheeks drained away. His expression went completely still. His fingers clenched on the edge of the counter so tightly that his knuckles stood out.
"I'll take care of it," Beth said, stepping from behind the counter. She was stopped by a hand on her wrist. His grip was harder than she'd expected, the hold of someone drowning - his touch was hot on her skin. Beth glanced up and met his eyes, startled not only by the color, but by their shine. Tears? Fever? Before she could tell, he looked away and let go.
"Don't. It doesn't matter," he said softly. But he still avoided her eyes.
"It does," Beth hissed from between clenched teeth.
"City of snakes." He tried a grin.
"Eddie..."
"No."
She hesitated for a long moment, and finally sighed. "All right." Her acquiescence was punctuated by another round of laughter. She wanted to grab the fucks by the neck of their shirt and pound their heads into the table. She wanted to scream. She wanted to put her arms around Eddie and shield him from the bullshit. Instead she carefully placed a tea-bag into a mug and poured hot water over it. The scent of mint rose on the steam, calming her enough so that when she turned back to him, the anger had retreated from her eyes and hid in the pit of her stomach.
"Thank you," he said, the words clearly encompassing more than the tea. A strange look passed over his face and she was just about to ask what was wrong when he leaned to the side and stifled a sneeze into his elbow. "Heeh...chht!" His shoulders hunched and he sneezed again. "Hheh'Chht!"
Her mouth went dry and she cleared her throat. "Salud." She hoped he didn't notice the flush crawling up her cheeks. Why did he have to do that here... now?
"Excuse me," he said, blowing his nose in the tissue she'd given him. "Think I'm trying to catch a cold."
Beth bit the tip of her tongue trying not to collapse into a puddle on the floor. He was her friend for God's sake. He had a girlfriend - even if she was a bitch. And no normal human being would be considering what she was considering with someone who had just confessed to having some contagious disease. "Why would you try to do something like that," she managed to ask, without any references to either his bones, or the jumping thereof.
"Possibly because this day hasn't been shitty enough as it is."
As though to punctuate his words, there was a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder directly overhead and the lights went out. There were muffled cries of surprise, and even the frat boys fell silent. Beth rejoiced inwardly, but kept her happy dance to a mere shuffle. She reached under the counter for her flashlight and switched it on. "All right everyone, we're closing early." Table by table she guided people from the shop until only Eddie was left. She locked the door behind the last group, then lit a couple of candles and set them on the table in front of the one couch in the shop. "Finally," she sighed as she sank down into the cushions. "I was about to slit my wrists."
Eddie joined her, moving slowly as though his body hurt. "You and me both, love." He cradled the cup between his hands and took a long sip.
"The show didn't go well," Beth asked, keeping her tone carefully neutral.
Eddie sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. "The sound system was screwed, the lighting director missed every single bloody cue, the audience must have been asleep, and my timing was off. I suppose it could have been worse, but not by much."
"And Melissa?"
Eddie shrugged and leaned back, resting his head on the back of the couch and staring into the darkness. He was quiet for so long that she began to think he wouldn't answer. She could feel him shiver every now and again with chill.
The silence was broken as he sneezed again, harsh, tight sneezes that bent him nearly double. "Chht! Hehh... heh'chht! Ehchhht!" He groaned and she put an arm around him, heedless of his damp clothing.
"Salud. Sounds like you did catch that cold. Maybe you should be getting home?"
He shook his head. "I'm fine." But the hoarseness in his voice proved him liar. She rubbed his shoulder slowly, and he began to explain. "It's Halloween. I thought it would be all right... thought she wouldn't mind. She'd heard of me, yeah? Caught a show on HBO. So I assumed the transvestite thing wouldn't be a deal. I've been in blokey mode for a while and I was feeling like a change tonight. Apparently it's one thing on stage - and something completely different in person. She didn't mind being stared at for being with someone famous, but it wasn't so great when that someone looked better in heels and eyeshadow than she did." He attempted to laugh, but it turned into a cough.
"Screw her," Beth said. "There are people out there..."
Eddie cut her off with a wave of his hand. "I'm tired, Bethy. Just completely fucking knackered. Dating is for shite."
"It is,"she nodded. "It's why I've sworn off boys." A decision she was deeply regretting at the moment. He leaned into her, still coughing.
"Maybe it's time to head back across the pond. It's just not the same here."
Beth's heart gave a lurch. She knew he wouldn't stay in the States permanently, but she kept putting off thinking of him leaving. She made a noncommittal noise and moved her arm, adjusting one of the candles as though it were crooked in its holder. Eddie seemed not to notice.
"There's no decent pubs. And you can't smoke in them."
Beth nodded, playing with the candle, sticking bits of napkin in and watching it burn.
"Your president," he shook his head ruefully. "We thought the royals were scraping the bottom of the gene pool."
"So go," Beth said suddenly, standing up and beginning to clear mugs from a table beside them. She tried not to notice that her hands were shaking.
"Something bothering you, love?"
She could hear the puzzled frown in his voice and she set the dishes in the sink with more force than was strictly necessary. Blind fool. And more the fool her for letting herself react this way. She ran hot water over the stack and drizzled soap over them. His heels clicked across the floor and she tensed as he drew closer.
"Bethy?"
He was so close behind her that she could smell him - rain and leather and a particular scent that was his alone, like sandalwood and eucalyptus. Clean. She didn't trust her voice to hold so she just shook her head.
His hands came down on her shoulders, turning her gently to face him. She didn't want to look up, didn't want to meet those eyes... Electron blue. His breath hitched and then she did, unable to resist. His eyes were fluttering closed, long lashes tangling. Heat flared through her, burning away all thought, and pooled deep in her core. She melted.
"Something wrong?" She asked, her tone arch.
He shook his head, tried to answer. "I.. n..need to... sn..sneeze," he managed, then it burst from him, shaking him utterly. "hehishht! Chht! Heeeh... chhhht! Ehchht!"
"Salud," she said, relieved that ' may I please fuck you now,' didn't follow the sentiment.
Eddie made a face, reaching for a napkin from the counter and blowing his nose. "Sorry. Almost got you, there."
Beth reached out and brushed the hair back from his eyes, testing his forehead for fever. "You feel warm, you should be home in bed."
He leaned into her touch. "Your hand is cool," he said and his breath ghosted across her wrist. It was her turn to shiver. He noticed immediately. "Getting cold, love? Without the heat this place is like tombs."
"You're right," she said suddenly realizing that if he was getting sick he shouldn't be standing around in wet clothes and no heat. Clean up could wait for the morning shift. After all - no light, how could she work? "Let's get you home."
Eddie grinned mischievously. "You taking me?"
"Better you should catch your death walking in the rain?"
"I am a delicate flower..."
"A pansy, more like."
"You wound me, dahling," he pouted, affecting a Southern drawl.
The minute Beth started the car, Eddie reached out and switched on the heat. He turned the fan up as high as it would go, rubbing his hands in front of the vent. "Bloody cold," he grumbled.
The drive to his flat in the outskirts of Oakland was short, but even so Eddie fell asleep, curled into the passenger seat, legs tucked up under him like a child, head leaning against the window. Beth was loathe to wake him, but the minute she had parked he blinked and rubbed his eyes, smearing the last of his eyeliner.
"Sorry, didn't mean to take a sleep on you," he apologized.
Beth waved off the apology. "Not a problem." They ran together through the rain, then huddled under the tiny overhang as Eddie fumbled with his keys. "Come on, I'm drowning out here," she urged, bouncing impatiently on her toes.
He muttered something distinctly rude under his breath, but finally the door squeaked open and they both fell through, practically on top of each other. They giggled as they clutched at each other for balance, fingers slipping on wet cloth.
"I'm surprised you manage to carry full trays with grace like that," Eddie commented and Beth stuck her tongue out at him.
She was pleased to see the light of amusement back in his eyes, giving them the sparkle that always made her smile. "I thought if I bloke tripped in heels he had to kill himself," she returned.
Eddie drew breath to respond, but was interrupted by a round of sneezes. He had only enough time to turn to the side before they hit, knocking him forward again. "IhhChht!... chhhht! Ehchht!"
"Salud," Beth said, steadying him with a hand at his shoulder.
"You might want to stop that while you're ahead, yeah? I'm likely to be at this for a while." Eddie sniffled, digging through a pile of magazines and books, attempting to avoid knocking over either empty wineglasses or plates, until he found what he was searching for. He pulled free a handkerchief, quite wrinkled and only possibly unused.
Beth made a face. "Disgusting, Eddie. Don't you ever clean?"
Eddie looked around, eyes wide as though seeing his apartment for the first time. "What do you mean? I know where everything is."
"Me too. On the floor." Beth shook her head, then pointed towards his bedroom. "Go put on dry clothes, I'll make us some tea."
"Yes, mum."
Beth watched as he walked away, shoulders slightly slumped, his usual bouncing gait flattened. It wasn't like him. And it pissed her off - Melissa wasn't worth it. He was sick, he didn't need to be hurt too. Once the tea was finished, she cleared clothes off the couch, discarded outfits he had probably tried on and found lacking. She could hear him moving around in the bedroom, sneezing and blowing his nose. When he returned, he had changed into loose cotton pants and a t-shirt that was so old she could practically see his body through it. He'd removed his makeup, leaving him looking merely tired and ill. Beth patted the couch and he sank down next to her, drawing up his legs and laying his head in her lap. She ran her fingers absently through his hair and rubbed his back lightly.
"I feel like death warmed over," he said, voice thick and stuffy.
"You look like it too," Beth said lightly, but he didn't smile, merely closed his eyes.
"Is this better?"
She could barely hear the words he spoke so softly. "What do you mean?"
"In bloke mode. Is it better?"
"God, Eddie, no. You looked amazing tonight." Her hands paused, hesitating at his shoulder blades. She could feel him trembling under her touch and she wondered at it.
He pulled away, reaching for the mug of tea on the table in front of them, drinking deep and studying the ring the mug had left. "You wouldn't tell me the truth anyway. A bloke in a skirt... what was I thinking?" He scrubbed a hand over his face. "She didn't laugh, not at first. She just looked at me. I should have seen it in her eyes, my reflection. Or when we walked down the street together. But I was too focused on the show - and I'm used to it. It wasn't until after...." He sniffed, rubbed his nose with the handkerchief. "I suppose I should have talked to her about it first. I just didn't think. There was a note in my dressing room when I finished. I should have let it go... but I tried to find her. And I did, in a restaurant . She was flirting with the opening act. She saw me, through the window. She turned to him, said something. They both looked at me. And laughed." He shivered and curled in on himself, sneezing. "hehishht! Heeeh... chhhht! Ehchht!"
"Salud," Beth said softly, one hand resting lightly at the center of his back. She could see him, rain dripping in his eyes, down the back of his neck, standing alone in front of the window. Inside, where it was warm and bright, a beautiful woman laughed with a handsome man. Simple. She reached out, wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek on his back, listening to him breathe.
"Don't," he whispered.
"What?"
"Just don't..." He moved as though to pull away. Beth loosened her hold, but turned him to face her.
His cheeks were damp, and he wouldn't meet her gaze. Gently she cupped his chin. "Eddie," she said. "Look at me." Slowly he looked up, blue locked with green. "You are beautiful. Now, but especially before." She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. He tasted of mint. For a second he tensed, but then his arms came up, fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her closer.
"Stay with me," he whispered against her neck.
"Always."
~ fin