I Will Not Hurt You
a Harry Potter story
by Jennerferkerr
James was bored out of his mind. Sirius, Remus and Peter were all in Hogsmead, no doubt having a great time, as they always did in Hogsmead. James, however had been in detention that morning, and had not been able to go with them. He'd spent the morning re- labeling faded potion bottles in Professor Slughorn's office, and still had not shaken the overwhelming lethargy that such a task always brought to him.
Sprawled lazily on his bed, James vaguely considered going down to the common room to wreak havoc on the first and second years, but he found his mind wandering before he completed the thought. Lily Evans had spoken to him that morning. "Will you pass the salt, Potter?" she'd asked, and hadn't even rolled her eyes when he was so pleased and surprised that he slopped orange juice all down his front. The memory had kept his spirits high all morning, even while listening to Professor Slughorn gloating about his famous former students.
Now, however, he felt his morale sinking, as he realized that without the rest of the Marauders, he had nothing to do. He pushed all thoughts of Lily Evans out of his mind, and heaved himself into a standing position. Wandering down to the common room, he decided that he might as well get his homework finished. The Gryffindor common room was nearly empty, save a small group of first years playing Gobstones in the corner. The thought of doing homework alone in the common room was too depressing, so he headed for the library, where at least he wouldn't look so out of place.
He slipped through the portrait hole with an armload of books, laughing as he tried to remember the last time he'd been in the library. It had been a long time. In fact, it took him a few minutes of wandering aimlessly for him to even remember where it was. The librarian glared at him as he entered, as if he'd done something wrong. As James chose a table and took out his books, he reflected that the library had changed a lot since the last time he was here. Or maybe he was thinking of a completely different library. The librarian must have been on a gardening kick; there were huge, purple blossoms hanging in baskets from the ceiling, and on top of bookshelves. A heavy, flowery fragrance hung heavily in the air, intermingling with the musty smell of the books.
James set to work on his potions essay, but after a few minutes, he found his attention wandering, and his eyes sliding out of focus. Shaking his head to snap out of his daze, he glanced at the bookshelves. In a sudden flash of brilliance, he realized that all those books were available for him to read, and had information about magic in them. All this time he and Sirius had been fooling around with magic, trying to invent spells to enchant a map of the school, there had been all these resources right under their noses. He shoved his homework back into his bag, and stood up.
Not knowing anything about libraries, James went to the very back of the library, and pulled out a book. Muggle Inventions and Their Uses in Wizarding Society. Well, that might not help with the map, but it still might help with life in general... He opened it in interest, but hadn't gotten very far in reading, when the overwhelming scent of the flowers mixed with the dust and mold in the library started to get to him. His nose itched like crazy. He tried to be as quiet as possible when he sneezed, "Heh-issshhh!"
"Potter?"
He whirled around, to see Lily Evans, her red hair tucked behind her ears, and a book in her hands, staring at him as if he was an alien. Surprised, James dropped the book he was holding. "Hi!" he said brightly, ignoring the book on the floor. "Why aren't you in Hogsmead? Heh-tchhh!" he sneezed again.
Lily shrugged, and ran her hands through her hair. "I didn't feel like it," she said. "What about you?"
James felt another sneeze coming, but he tried to hold it back. "Detention," he explained with a sheepish grin, "I had to stay back." He rubbed his nose, trying to stop the tickle. "How do you not feel like going to Hogsmead? That's insane." As soon as he said it, he knew it was a stupid thing to say. Why did he always say things like that around Lily?
"Oh, it's just, you know, I've got a lot on my mind, and I didn't want to go," Lily said nonchalantly, then added with a disdainful smirk, "What are you doing in the library?"
"What kind of a question is that? Everyone's allowed in here, right?" James shot back. "Eh-ishhoo! Hh-cchhoo!" He sneezed, blushing.
Lily raised her eyebrows, and said, "Yeah, but since when have you ever done so?"
He shrugged. "Since today. Heh-ishoo! Unfortunately, it turns out that I'm allergic to libraries." He turned away awkwardly, and sneezed five times rapidly, into his sleeve. "Eh-sshooo! Xt- ccchh! Heh-shhooo! Ishoo! Ih-chhhh!" He blinked back allergic tears; picked up the book he'd dropped and shoved it back into the shelf. "So I'll be leaving now, see you later," he turned, eager to leave quickly. As he made to stride out of the library, he cursed his luck. The one time that Lily Evans showed a sign of being civil, he had to just had to be sneezing his head off. And not only that, but he'd just realized an abundant source of information that could be vital for life, and he couldn't breathe in it.
He sneezed twice more as he walked down the aisle. As he passed a sign that read Quidditch books, the entire shelf suddenly toppled over, right on top of James.
"What- oof!" he collapsed under the weight.
James heard Lily gasp, as a cloud of dust rose, and he struggled to untangle himself from the mess of books and the heavy shelf.
"Oh my gosh!" she cried, rushing forward to pull the shelf back up.
Pulling himself out of the pile of books, James helped Lily to straiten the bookshelf, before succumbing to a massive sneezing fit. "Heh-eshh! Eh-shoo! Ishhh! Her-choo! Ih-hissh!! CCHHOO! Heh-ishoo!!" He wiped his watering eyes. "Gah! Who did that? Ishoo!"
Lily stared at him, shocked. "Are you okay?" she asked, "I have no idea how that happened, it just... fell over!"
"Eh-hisshhooo! Heh-eshhooo! Geez, that scared me." James looked down at the heap of books that was now covering the floor at his feet, and waved the dust bunnies out of his face. Unfortunately, there was now so much dust in the air that it didn't help much. "Ih- shoo! Heh-choo! Ah-ishoo! EH-ISHOO!" He groaned. "Gees! Do they EVER dust in here?"
Before Lily could answer, the hawk-like librarian (James didn't know her name) swooped over. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO TREAT BOOKS LIKE THIS??? CLEAN IT UP!!" She glared at them, and strode away.
James hastily bent down and started shoving books back into shelves. "Iisshhh!" He bent forward with the sneeze, and hit his head on the bookshelf. "Ow!"
Lily rolled her eyes. "You can't just put them back in to the shelves! They have to be in alphabetical order!" she hissed, pulling the books back out.
"You're kidding!?" cried James. "That'll take hours! Heh-eshh! Eh- shoo! Ishhh! Her-choo! Ih-hissh!!" he sneezed rapidly and violently, bending in half from the force. He straightened, and asked scathingly, "Well do you know any spells for alphabetizing? Heh-isshh! I want to get out of here!" He brushed a stream of allergic tears off of his face, coughed harshly, and glanced at Lily, ashamed of his weakness.
She was watching him with an expression of mingled exasperation and pity. "You're not allowed to do magic in the library!" she exclaimed. "Look, all you have to do is sort them all into piles according to the first letter of their title... well I'll help you, okay?"
James nodded, and mumbled, "Tha-thanks." His eyes snapped shut and he bent forward, with a violent "ISHHH!" He took off his glasses and rubbed at his swollen, itch, watering eyes. "Gees," he muttered, putting his glasses back on, "Dust should be illegal." He picked up a handful of books. "So what, we find all the ones that start with `A' first? Heh-ishoo!"
Lily looked at James hesitantly. She suddenly looked nervous. "Uh, yeah, that's a good idea." James sneezed and coughed. "You, uh, gunna live?"
James froze momentarily, surprised that she even cared. He nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine," he muttered awkwardly, ignoring the increasingly uneasy feeling in the air.
She nodded, turning away to sort through some books. "Right. Good." She blushed slightly.
James felt himself wincing inwardly as he realized how uncomfortable they'd both suddenly become. The dust was still swirling around them, torturing James' nose and lungs to no end. He coughed and sneezed continually over the next half hour, the only thing that broke the heavy silence that had fallen between the two of them.
They were only a quarter of the way through all the books when James finally asked, "So have you finished that essay for Slughorn yet?"
Lily glanced up, and answered, "Nah, I haven't been in the mood. Have you?"
"I've got a couple sentences done, but yeah... haven't really been in the mood either. Eh-isshoo!"
Laughing softly, Lily asked, "Are you ever in the mood for schoolwork, James?"
It was that moment that something changed inside James' mind. He'd spent over six years trying to get Lily to like him, but today, for the first time, he couldn't figure out why. She'd never really done anything nice to him, and rarely showed anything but hatred towards him. She couldn't see that he wasn't the same guy as he'd been back in their fifth year; she couldn't see how much he'd changed. Would he ever be able to get her to see him as what he really was? And for that matter, did he really know her? Maybe all this time, he'd been in love with Lily Evans, but had he ever really known her?
He scowled at her, and said, "Do you really think I'd have made Head Boy if I didn't care about my schoolwork?" He coughed violently, so hard that he saw stars.
Lily suddenly stopped sorting books, and stared at him for a few seconds. He just scowled and kept working. After a few minutes, she said, "No I guess you're right. I'm sorry."
James froze and stared at her. "What?! Did my ears hear right? Is it possible that Lily Evans actually told me I was right? Did she actually apologize to me?" He shook his head. "Nah, I must be dreaming." He turned away again, with three violent sneezes, "Eh- ishoo! HEH-ESHH! IISSSHHH!" He dropped a heavy volume on his foot, but resisted the urge to cry out in pain.
A stream of sunlight suddenly came from the window, reflecting off all the dust particles in the air like floating fairy dust, and making Lily's hair glisten. She frowned. "Oh come on, Potter, it's not that amazing," she said, picking up a thin green book and placing it on the shelf.
He brushed more water from his streaming, itchy eyes, and said, "Don't kid yourself, Evans, I know you despise me. Ih- esshoo! Heh-choo! But you know what? I'm fine with that. I honestly don't care anymore." And with that, he turned back to his work, obviously no planning to say another word. As he looked down at a the book he held in his hands, he realized that his eyes were so swollen and watery that he couldn't make out the words. He rubbed at them, trying to clear his vision, while at the same time sneezing twice. The headache that had been slowly building in head suddenly tripled. He scrambled to work faster, eager to leave the library as soon as possible.
Lily's voice startled him out of his mind. It was soft, and sounded hurt. "I don't hate you," she said, "I just don't like you. The way you hex everyone in sight, and think the whole world revolves around yourself.
Another wave of annoyance rose inside of James. "Lily, I haven't hexed anyone in almost a year. Except for Sirius' cousin, but that doesn't count, she deserved it. If you'd just open your eyes, you might see that I'm not that same guy as I was at age fifteen." He looked directly into her eyes, and said, "Lily, I've tasted reality, I've seen firsthand how our world is falling apart, and I'm not going to let it. I'm learning how to fight back. If you could just let go of... ih-hisshoo! Heh-sschooo!... if you could just forget about the bastard I used to be, and see that I'm not that person anymore... Look, James Potter isn't just about annoying and infuriating people anymore. I haven't been for a long time. And if you can't see that like the rest of the world can, then honestly, I don't know why I wasted six years chasing after you." He kept his eyes locked into hers for a few seconds, as if soaking her in, then turned away, and continued putting books onto the now half-full shelf.
"You know, James, I can admit that maybe I might have made a mistake. Maybe I didn't notice that you'd changed, but honestly, it's your own fault. You were an asshole for years, and I can only take so much of that before I start blocking the person out."
James looked up, suddenly depressed. He squinted at her and said, "Yeah, you're right. I deserved nothing more than what you gave me. But you know what? I've realized that. I've seen how cruel I was, and I've changed it. I'm sorry, but I can't change who I was then, I can only change who I am now. So if you can't accept me for who I am without hating who I was, then I guess that's all there is to it." He rubbed his itching, aching nose, but didn't sneeze.
Lily simply asked, "How do I know that you've really changed?"
He opened his mouth to answer, but started sneezing instead. "Heh- eshh! Eh-shoo! Ishhh! Her-choo! Ih-hissh!! ih-hisshoo! Heh- sschooo! Eh-ishoo! HEH-ESHH! IISSSHHH!" He broke off, gasping for breath. "Gees, this is crazy." He rubbed his eyes, and said quietly, "Maybe you just have to trust me. Come on, what's it going to hurt if you just give me a chance?"
Lily bit her lip and surveyed James. "I just don't want to get hurt," she told him, her voice soft and sincere.
James looked at her, completely serious and sincere, and said in a quiet, rapid voice, "Lily, I know what it's like to be hurt, I know what it's like to have your heart broken. I've loved you since the moment I first saw you. I will not hurt you. I promise!"
She moved closer, stared into his eyes. After a long silence, she nodded, and said, "James, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I believe you. I've seen the kind of friendship you have with Sirius, Remus and Peter, and it's amazing. I'll give you a chance, if you want it."
James felt as if the world stopped spinning. What had she just said? Had she really said that? Was it really that easy? "Lily. Do you want to go out with me?" He stared at her fiercely, scared that it was all just a dream.
There were tears rolling down her cheeks. "Yes. I will, I really will. I don't know why, but I will. James Potter, I will go out with you." She looked around, looking almost dizzy, took two steps forward, and wrapped her arms around James, sobbing.
He was shocked. After so many years of waiting, of praying, Lily Evans had finally agreed to go out with him. Lily Evans had her arms wrapped around him. He felt tears running down his own cheeks, and this time, it wasn't from the dust. He ran his fingers through her hair, and whispered, "Thank you. Lily... I don't know what to say..." He kissed her lightly on the cheek.
A fierce tickle was rising in his nose. There he stood, embracing his new girlfriend, the girl of his dreams, and he had to sneeze. He rubbed his nose nervously, just as Lily broke away. They stared right into each other's eyes for a brief second, as though both of them were trying to soak in the reality of what had just happened. Then James turned away, bending over sharply. "Ih-ishooo! Eh- choo! Heh-ishoo!"
Lily looked at him pityingly. "Let's get this done so you can get out of here," she said.
They got through the rest of the books quickly, and spent the rest of the afternoon in the common room, getting to know each other.
Heh. No, I won't say that... oh why not... The end... or is it just the beginning?
~*~ Hope you never hurt, hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble, hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away it