The Nuances of Love and War
a Harry Potter story
by deeplyintothis
You rarely get to sleep together anymore, but when you do you both know it's far from practical. You wake each other up with dreams that make you thrash and moan; werewolves, moons, babies dying, friends confessing and dark marks hovering over every image like a mantra.
When the dreams started you used to sit up, hug, talk it out, or try to. Now you just shush each other nonsensically and try to recapture what sleep you can. Sometimes you get up to check the locking charms on the doors.
The last full moon was three weeks ago, but Remus can't seem to shake a cold. It seems like it's been months since he's really been well. But there is no time to slow down, no time to notice things smaller than life and death.
But you try your best. You try to wake a few minutes before him and brew a pot of tea. You try to send him out with not just a coat but scarves and hats. You fold handkercheifs into his pockets when you remember (he never does) and rub his back when he can't sleep.
And for you he smiles bashfully. For you he cooks dinner and leaves it for you even when he's already gone to bed. For you he leaves notes on the mirror that remind you to tell a rude joke or have a beer. Never groceries or "I love you"s, nothing so stupid
and retorical. Things you really might forget if he didn't remind you that you could, that it was allowed, and that for right now you are still okay.
"Hello."
"Oh, hi," Remus smiles, surprised. "I didn't think I'd see you tonight."
"I know you told me to get a beer, but I think I'd rather have one here." Sirius smiles wearily, sidling up to the table at which Remus is pouring over three or four different parchments. There's a box of tissues and mug of tea beside him on the table. Sirius kisses him quickly on the mouth. Then he touches the mug of tea, testing its temperature.
"This is cold. I can refill it if you like."
"Thanks."
Sirius continues to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for himself and pouring out the cold tea and replacing it with fresh.
"When did you get back." he calls over his shoulder.
"About two hours ago." Remus replies, and Sirius can hear the restrained yawn in his voice.
"Take a nap?" he asked, as casually as possible.
"Haven't yet."
Sirius comes back into the dining room holding both beverages.
"Well, at this point it would just be going to bed, wouldn't it?" he said kindly, setting the tea down on the table and leaning against it. Remus didn't seem to have heard for a moment, continuing to look over the parchments, then he frowned and paused.
"Wait, what time is it?"
"Almost eleven."
"Oh." Remus leaned back and rubbed his face, then set his hands decisively on his knees, blinking blearily. "I guess it's been a bit longer than two hours."
Sirius touched Remus's hair tenderly. "I guess." It was pointless and redundant to mention how exhausted Remus looked. He always looked exhausted, they both
did, and after a while hearing it became depressing.Remus sneezed wearily into his elbow and Sirius passed him a tissue from the box on the table beside him. He put a hand on his back.
"Excuse me." Remus murmured.
"Cold any better?"
"Not noticably."
Sirius frowned. "I think maybe we should talk to a healer." The moment after he said it, Sirius was embarrassed by his use of the word 'we.' He was starting to sound like those couples that he and James always made fun of in school. 'We' couples. 'We think this' and 'we liked that.' Like he and Remus were starting to meld or something.
Luckily, Remus was way to exhausted to notice. "It's just a cold."
"But it won't go away."
"Well, I know the answer to that mystery, love." Remus said indulgently. This only made Sirius's frown deepen.
"Well then maybe I should talk to the powers that be about cutting you some slack for a bit."
"It's sweet of you to worry." Remus said, which Sirius knew was his polite way of saying 'drop it.'
He sighed and shrugged. "What are you doing, here?" he asked, looking over the parchments in front of his lover.
"Registry stuff." Remus said with a quick sniffle, squinting at some of the tiny scrawl.
"Oh god, is it that time already? Seems like it gets earlier every year."
"It is getting earlier. New laws because of You-Know-Who. Tightening the tether, if you will."
Sirius frowned down at the papers. "What do you mean?"
"Now they want to know where I work, who I work with, what groups I align myself with, and how I spend my money. Not that there's enough of it worry about." he said casually, smiling up at Sirius. "Really, they should be asking how I spend your money."
"Is this legal?"
"Of course it is. What isn't, these days?" he said, snide but good-natured. Sirius shook his head.
"We should talk to Albus about this stuff," Sirius suggested.
"There are larger issues to worry about." Remus said, sneezing twice more. He groaned, exhausted and leaned back in his chair. "I can't stare at this stuff anymore." he said, and his voice seemed to have shifted. The humor was gone.
"Remus."
"Damn it, this is..." he trailed off, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. He sat back, dropped his hands to his lap. "I'm working for the good guys." He said, frustrated. The indication was clear.
"Those aren't the good guys." Sirius said quietly, tapping a finger against the parchment in front of Remus. He put his arms around Remus from behind and bent over to rest his chin on his shoulder, kissing his cheek. "We're the good guys."
"Then there are more bad guys than I'd bargained for."
"No one's disagreeing there."
Remus turned in his seat, pressing his face into Sirius's neck and inhaling the smell of his hair.
"So we should probably deal with them one at a time." he said sleepily, his voice muffled.
"Starting with the Werewolf Registry." Sirius agreed. Remus laughed.
"Starting with You-Know-Who."
"Come on Remus. Get your priorities straight."
Remus laughed and kissed Sirius's cheek. "Have you eaten?"
"Not yet." Sirius said.
"There's some stew on the stove."
"There's no need for you to be cooking."
They were both speaking in barely-there tones, Remus's face still buried in the crook of Sirius's neck, both men falling asleep on their feet. Sirius slowly pivoted so he was sitting on the edge of the table. He put his feet on Remus's chair on either side of his hips so he was basically straddling him, but the whole thing was completely empty of sex. It was all about slow warmth-- a rare moment of comfortable, private closeness. Sirius couldn't remember the last time they were alone together in their own flat and not either asleep or injured.
"You know..." Remus began quietly, then stopped.
"What?"
"...it's embarrassing." Remus said.
"What? Say it."
"It's maudlin."
"Say it."
"This is the happiest I've been in... weeks."
"Because you got your love letters from the Registry?" Sirius joked, feeling the threat of seriousness.
Remus laughed quietly. "Because of you. And this."
There was really no way for Sirius to spin that. It was what it was. They were quiet for a moment and Sirius kissed Remus on the top of the head.
"Love you." he said.
"You too. Shit, I'm crying."
"Wimp." Sirius said, handing him a tissue and kissing his cheek. Remus wiped his eyes and then blew his nose, laughed embarrassedly.
"It's okay. You're just tired and sick."
Remus nodded. "Could be that. Could be that I'm in the middle of a war and I hardly ever see my family."
Sirius felt a private jolt of elation at Remus refering to him as his family. "Could be a mixture of the above."
Remus sighed and turned away from Sirius to rest his elbows on the table and wipe his eyes. "Sorry about this. Didn't see this coming."
"Neither did I. If I'd known you were going to get all moist I would've had a beer with James after all."
Remus laughed and shoved Sirius back. "Fuck you."
Sirius watched Remus cough deeply into his sleeve. He felt a strong tug around his chest, this kind of impossible feeling.
"Go get in bed. You may have a decent sleep, yet."
"I should fill this stuff out, I have to go in tomorrow afternoon."
"Go in?"
"Oh, yeah. That's another special feature-- I have to re-register in person."
Sirius felt something heavy and cold settle in the pit of his stomach.
"I don't like the sound of that."
"It's nothing."
"It's seeming more and more freaky by the second, Moony. I don't trust these arseholes."
"It's like how Muggles have to pay speeding tickets in person. Formality."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Sirius paused a moment. "Would you let me go with you?"
Remus waved the thought away. "You'd have to get off work for nothing."
"I don't mind."
"You don't have to, Sirius. I'm a big boy."
"Come on. I know... I'd like to. I'd like to go with you. Just make sure everything's on the up and up."
Remus sighed. "If you really want to waste an afternoon. Sure, you're invited."
Remus woke up the next morning feeling worse than he had the last two weeks. He was feverish and groggy and full of aches and pains. Sirius brought him a bowl of oatmeal in bed and rubbed his shoulders, and then he drifted back to sleep. Sirius got dressed and
left a note saying he'd be back from work around three so they could apparate to the Registry by four."Moony?" Sirius called from the foyer, closing the front door behind him. "Are you up?"
"I'm in here." Remus called from the study. Sirius found him sitting at the desk with a blanket draped over his shoulders, squinting at the same forms.
"You should be in bed doing this," Sirius murmured, looking down at Remus's progress. Remus shook his head.
"I fall asleep in bed."
Sirius rubbed Remus's back through the blanket.
"Fever down?"
"Little bit."
Sirius kissed his forehead and noticed that it could only be a very little bit.
"Can't we defer this shit?" he said.
Remus shook his head. "No, no way. The Werewolf Registry is not known for its flexibility."
"But you feel awful."
"I'll feel better later."
Sirius laughed. "My mother used to say that. 'You'll feel better if you get up and do something.' It was her way of getting me to leave the house when I was sick."
"Bitch."
"Amen."
The Werewolf Registry was in an underground building near the Ministry. Unlike the Ministry, it was badly-lit and depressing. Remus thought, not for the first time, that it looked like a badly neglected Muggle office building.
Remus was shuffled curtly into his age-group's que. Sirius stood next to him, surveying the room.
Most of people were in Remus's age que-- early-to-mid twenties, give or take a few years. He noticed that the signs didn't seem to expect people to know their exact ages. The groupings were vague, so that even if no one had ever bothered to mention to you your exact birthday, you'd probably still be able to figure out which group you fell into. Some were actually children. Sirius saw a little girl of no more than six years old looking lost. He prayed she was in the wrong place. More disturbing then that, though, was the fact that no matter how thoroughly he examined the crowd, he couldn't see anyone who looked older than forty-five.
The men and women around them were strangly farmiliar to Sirius. He'd met other werewolves, but rarely, and never so many in one place. It wasn't the people, specifically, he realized, it was the qualities they all shared. Remus's qualities. The pale or pink scars, the dull skin tones, the tired, sad eyes. Some sadder than others. Despite how sick Remus looked, he fell close to the top when compared to the others in the room. Many looked homeless, and the smell of the place wasn't altogether delightful. Sirius glanced at Remus, who looked not uncomfortable, but slightly depressed.
"How many of these people do you know?" Sirius asked.
Remus didn't bother to look around. "Just a few."
"They seem to know each other."
Remus nodded as he and Sirius watched people exchange glances and curt nods of recognition, watched them clump together and mutter.
"They probably live near each other, if not in a colony."
"You mean a ghetto."
"Pick your term." Remus said wearily, finding a handkercheif in his pocket and turning as far away from anyone else as he could to sneeze into it four times, stifling the sound as much as he could. Sirius rubbed his back.
"Bless you." he said, winding an arm around Remus's waist. Remus straightened up and sighed.
"Didn't see you put the handkercheif in my pocket. Thank you."
"I'm very sneaky. And you're welcome. Come here." Sirius said, letting Remus lean limply against him. "I swear, some of the policies this ministry enforces are crimes themselves."
They heard a kissy noise somewhere behind them and didn't turn around. Somone called out "queer" and a few people laughed, and they didn't turn around. Usually Sirius let himself get angry about that stuff much faster, but this situation was different. He had noticed pretty much as soon as he came in that Remus was one of maybe four people who weren't there alone. He felt bad for them, and no matter what he did, he couldn't stop seeing Remus in all of these people. What might have happened to him if things had gone just a little differently?
The line seemed to drag on and on. The couldn't quite see the end of it from where they were-- they would have to wind around a corner first. Sirius spent his time figuring on if it were possible to survive a confrontation if this many people suddenly turned on the two of them. As much as he knew it was an unfair generalization, it was a well known fact that most werewolves were for Voldemort. It was part of the reason he'd wanted to go with Remus. He didn't think it was likely that there would be any problems, but just the ratio made him uncomfortable. Remus seemed to be spending most of his energy trying to stay awake. The Black family mantra did not seem to be proving true in his case.
Remus sneezed again and pulled away from Sirius to blow his nose with some privacy. Sirius kept a hand on his back and blessed him. Remus nodded a thank you, shivered, and stepped back into Sirius's hold. He closed his eyes.
"How did you sleep last night?" Sirius asked quietly. Remus smiled.
"You know, I slept very well. You were holding on so tight. It was like I couldn't forget that you were there, even when I was asleep."
"You were shivering."
"Oh, hush. I'm fine. I've seen worse."
They took another shuffling step forward in line. "Not with me around, you haven't. It's starting to make me nervous."
"I just need a few days to sleep. Then I'll be fine."
"But when do you think you'll get those days? No time soon. And the moon will be full in a week, what if you catch pnuemonia? Or bronchitis, like that month in school?" Sirius felt suddenly like a little boy, and it was hard to hide his embarrassment at
telling Remus all these blown-up secret fears that he'd been harboring. Remus stopped and looked at him, then smiled at him as though Sirius were a very well-intentioned little boy."Sirius. It won't come to anything like that. You'll drive yourself nuts thinking that way."
Before Sirius had the time to feel embarrassed, a voice called out and they realized they were at the front of their line.
"Next."
The two of them were ushered curtly into the cubicle before them, where they faced a bored, androgenous-looking woman with large glasses.
"Lupin, Remus John." she said flatly. Remus stepped forward mutely.
The woman looked flatly at Sirius. "It's not your turn yet, please wait outside the cubicle." Remus shook his head.
"He's not a werewolf."
"Why is he here?"
"Um, he wanted to come along. He's... with me."
The woman squinted, raised an eyebrow. "Sit down." she said. Sirius sent a curious glance to Remus, but Remus seemed unfazed. Sirius was surprised to see only one chair in front of the desk. Surely, some people came with their family, their spouses?
The beaurocrat pulled out her wand and conjured a second identical chair, and Sirius sat down in it next to Remus, facing the desk.
"I've got your registration papers here, but it looks like you're missing form D and form E."
Remus dug in his jacket pocket for a moment and retrieved folded squares of paper, which he offered to the woman. She took them, unfolded them and the three people sat quietly for a moment as she looked them over. For a minute Remus relaxed against Sirius's shoulder, but it didn't take long for him to tense up and dig in his jacket pocket again, this time for a folded square of fabric that he quickly brought to his face, his expression utterly exhausted, unable to restrain a small groan before the sneezing fit began.
"Uh... huhtschh! Heyischh! Huh, huh, huhTSSH! HuhTSHH! TSHH! Heh...sniff, TSXTAH! Heh... huh, huh... hehYISCHH!"
Most of the fit was stifled, but it seemed to prove too painful or too tiring to stifle the whole thing. It was the worst fit Sirius had seen from him all day, and he was thankful for his presence of mind in remembering the handkercheif. It would have been an extremely embarrassing scene without it.
"Eh...yih, hischht! Tschht! Heh...uhtschhah! Oh... god." Remus groaned, his voice cracking and muffled in the handkercheif he still held over his face. Sirius put a hand on his back.
"Remus," he said in his most serious, take-heed voice.
"I'mb alright..." he said stuffily.
"You are not alright."
Remus coughed deeply into the handkercheif still at his face, and then made to stand, rather slowly. Sirius thought he looked sore. Sirius was on his feet in an instant.
"What are you doing?" he asked quietly, taking Remus's elbow to steady him a little.
"I need to blow mby nose," he said, sounding dazed and on the edge of another sneeze.
"Well do it sitting down. You look like another sneeze could knock you over. Come on." Sirius used just a little pressure to ease him back into the seat. Sirius glanced up at the woman at the desk, who was watching with the kind of disgusted attention with which one watches a train wreck. He looked back down. He honestly couldn't care less.
Remus wiped his nose repeatedly, but it was obvious that wasn't going to cut it. Finally, with a pink blush rising in his already warm cheeks, he blew his nose as politely and silently as possible, eyes on the floor, hands clamped tightly over the cloth. The whole attempt was ruined when the process produced another messy sneeze. "Excuse--" Remus croaked, face falling, unable to finish the pardon, "--HMPSCHHH! Ihdjscht! Huh, huhdsjch!"
Sirius felt all his stomach muscles tightening anxiously. Remus just looked awful. Sicker than Sirius had ever anticipated him getting. He tried to mask his concern, rubbing Remus's back as he recovered from the fit, seeming less chagrinned to blow his nose this time. He alternated blowing his nose and coughing for a good minute while Sirius rubbed his back and muttered a helpless, "Shhh, shh, you're alright, shhh."
The scene seemed like a perfect metaphor for their lives at the moment. All Sirius could do were these pathetic, meaningless little things-- he felt like dead weight; like a joke.
When the ordeal was over, Sirius knelt down next to Remus's chair, trying to visualize his face. His nose was bright pink and raw from all the attention, and his eyes were bleary and red-rimmed, squinting against their own sting.
"Are you alright?"
Remus nodded. "Sorry."
"Nonsense. Would a glass of water help, do you think?" Sirius asked tenderly.
"I'm okay."
"Quit it. I'll be back in a minute, sit tight."
"No, I'm sorry, but you can't leave that way."
Both men looked up suddenly, surprised to hear words from the third party in the room. They'd complete forgotten she was there.
"I'm just going to bring him some water," Sirius said uncertainly. The woman shook her head.
"I'm sorry. We send everybody in one way and out the other. We couldn't have people just coming in and out all day. This will only take a few minutes."
Sirius frowned and then laughed. "Are you serious? I can't go get him a glass of water."
"I promise, this will be quick. We need to retain a sense of order when we deal with these people."
The room was quiet for a minute. Sirius felt like there was a bomb ticking toward explosion in his chest. He felt like he could almost hear it in the silence. Tick, tick, tick, tick...
"Or they'll smell your fear, right?"
"Sirius...!" Remus interjected, with little to no impact. Sirius continued.
"That's ridiculous! He hasn't done anything wrong-- he's not your prisoner, you've got no power over *these people,*" Sirius began, trying to keep his voice from rising into a yell. "You can't tell them which way they can and can't go through your doors, you can't keep them in one room! You're like a fucking census bureau, you don't--"
"Sirius, please." Remus muttered tiredly. Sirius caught his breath as it was about to carry more argument out of him. He sighed and crossed his arms and sat down again.
"Something we certainly can do, *sir*, is remove people who's conduct is disorderly. Stay in your seat." The woman said solidly, though Sirius thought she looked a little shaken up.
Sirius stared at her quietly for a moment. Then he said gratingly, "Make it quick, please. He's sick, and I'd like to take him home."
"I'd gathered that." the woman murmured. "Well, we might as well start there," she said dryly as she reached into her desk and removed her wand again, this time pointing at herself and uttering a quick, quiet charm. A thin, shiny sheild, almost like a water-bubble right before it pops, appeared between the woman and Sirius and Remus. Sirius laughed.
"Is that really nessessary?" he asked her.
"It's nothing personal. You're not the first time I've used this today. I just thought that maybe since it says here he's living in a house and has a job, I wouldn't have to bother with it."
"Everybody catches colds." Sirius said.
"If I knew for a fact that was all it was, I probably wouldn't bother with the sheilding charm." she said coolly. "Now, shall we get going? Mr. Lupin, do you have any perminant health conditions?"
Remus cocked an eyebrow. "Well. I'm a werewolf."
There was a moment of silence in the room where Sirius battled against bursting out into laughter. The woman raised her eyes a moment and then dropped them back to the page as she filled in a bubble with her quill.
"Besides the obvious, Mr. Lupin. You may have all the free-time in the world, but we have a busy schedual and a long day, so I'd appreicate if it you didn't purposefully waste our time."
Sirius thought dryly that was exactly what the Werewolf Registry was: a purposeful waste of time. Also that they talked in 'we's and 'our's, like those stupid couples from school.
"How often would you say you change living locations."
"I've only ever lived in the same apartment since I left Hogwarts."
"Do you plan on moving?"
"No."
"What are your feelings on You-Know-Who?"
The question seemed completely unexpected and both men were a little unprepared.
"What are my... feelings?" Remus asked uncertainly, squinting and sniffling softly into the handkerchief he still held ready.
"Yes. Are you for him, against him, unaffiliated?"
"Against him." Remus said.
The woman bubbled for a moment.
"And what are your feelings on the Ministry of Magic?"
"The ministry is bumbling and stupid and has no earthly idea what it's doing." Remus said. The woman looked up sharply.
"You're against it, then?" she asked gratingly. Remus sighed.
"No. I need something to align myself with, don't I?"
The woman looked at him heavily for a moment through her shiny bubble and then back at the paper, filling something in. Remus sighed and smothered a quick, stuffy sneeze in the handkercheif.
"Bless you, love." Sirius said. He thought he saw the woman's eyes flicker up and then down again quickly at his use of the word 'love.' "How much more of this is there?" he asked.
The woman sighed and put down her quill. "None. Mr. Lupin, you're free to go. As I asked before, please use the back and don't Apparate until you're at least twenty yards away from the building."
Sirius and Remus stood and made their way out. Sirius half expected them to be lead into a prison cell, with all the 'you can't leave the room, can't go out the way you came,' but they were lead out into the cold, bright day, squinting at the sun, and Remus immeidatly took a few steps away to sneeze convulsively into the overused handkercheif.
"Poor thing..." Sirius heard himself murmuring.
"Huh--ruschh! Huh, uhtschh! Uhtsh! TSHH! Oh, excuse mbe. I'mb sorry about this, Sirius. What a rotten day." Remus groaned, handkercheif still over his face.
Remus blew his nose, finally out of the stifling environment of that little florescent cubicle with those unpleasent specticled eyes bearing down on them.
"What a little bitch that woman was." Sirius said.
"I don't want to talk about it."
Sirius looked up at Remus, surprised by the coldness in his voice. He put an arm around Remus's waist.
"Lets get you home and to bed, and then I'll run out and buy groceries and cook for you for a change."
"Oh, thanks, but I'mb not really hungry."
"Is that a shot at my cooking?"
"Honestly, there's no need. I'mb just tired, I'd rather just lie down."
Remus smiled at him good-naturedly, but Sirius could see that his heart really wasn't in it. He knew he was tired and sick, but it seemed like more than that, suddenly. Sirius's hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. Sometimes he absolutely hated the Ministry of Magic.
Sirius kissed Remus on his cheek as softly and lovingly as he could. Remus looked at him with something like surprise.
"I think you need to eat. Will you have just a little for me?"
A little light came back into Remus's face. He nodded and coughed harshly into the cloth.
Sirius smiled. "Good. I think it's time to get you out of this shit hole."
They'd walked their full twenty yards and were fairly ready to Apparate.
"I'll take you, okay?"
"I cadn handle it, Sirius."
"I just don't want you to sneeze and lose a toe or something. I've gotten rather attached to all of your peices."
Remus smiled and sighed, as though he were doing Sirius a great favor. "Alrightd."
Sirius took his hand and in a moment he was no longer on the Ministry street, but at their door. Only, he was there alone. He frowned and shook his head, he looked up and down the hallway.
"Remus?" he asked. He opened the door to their apartment and looked inside, as completely ridiculous as was the idea that he would Apparate outside the
door and Remus inside. "Remus!" he called.He had never known this to happen before. It took no skill or ability to be transported through Apparation. He couldn't imagine a way to mess it up. The he started thinking about where they had just been—the Werewolf Registry. What the fuck did they do.
Sirius Apparated back to the street, prepared to knock down the Registry building, and there, mere meters from where he'd Apparated, was Remus, looking almost as confused as Sirius felt, but not half as angry.
"Remus," he said, calling Remus's attention to him. Remus looked up and laughed confusedly.
"I've dno idea what just happened." he said with a little sniffle.
"You're alright?" Sirius asked, patting his arms and sides as though he might find something missing or broken, resisting the urge to pull him into a hug.
"I'mb fine. I just didn't go anywhere, did I?"
Sirius laughed; quick, relieved laughter. "I can see that."
Suddenly, both men glanced up in time to see a slim purple letter float through the air and then slide itself gracefully into Remus's jacket pocket. Both men knew that purple envelopes were the mark of the Werewolf Registry, and Sirius had a feeling that their questions were about to be answered rather predictibly.
Remus pulled the letter out and opened it and read aloud. His voice was so stuffy and scratchy that Sirius almost stopped him, but once he'd heard a sentence or two, he was focused on other things.
"Mr. Lupin-- you're Apparation rights, along with those of your brethren, have been temporarily declined. This is not a judgement on you or your activities. The Ministry thinks it safest for the general Magical population if certain high-risk demographics are monotered more closely. After all, the luxury of moving swiftly from place to place hardly compares in worth to the certainty that all our citizens are safe where ever they go. Thank you for your cooperation. Then it's signed." Remus laughed wearily.
"Merlin's beard. I'm going back." Sirius snapped, turning to stalk back to the Registry building, but Remus caught his arm.
"There's nothing you cadn do about itd, Sirius, can't ...huh--ehtschhhahch! Eschhhah! Huheschhhah!!" Remus bent almost double with each sneeze, clamping his hands over his nose and mouth, unable to get to the handkercheif in time. Sirius moved him to sit on a bench nearby. "Huheschh! Huh, huh, huh...nnxt! mpsch! mphtch!"
Remus embarrassedly stifled the last three sneezes, causing his head to pound, but at least he held on to a tiny scrap of dignity. He hoped. The fit ended and he realized that he couldn't drop his hands from his face. He felt red rush his cheeks and Sirius still
rubbing his back."Alright?"
Remus nodded a little. "I'mb sorry. Could you get me... something..." he trailed off embarrassedly. Sirius quickly dug in his own pocket and retrieved three clean tissues he'd stuffed their before they left. Remus wiped and blew his nose repeatedly, sneezed twice more, groaned, then exhaustedly slumped against Sirius's shoulder.
"Bless you." Sirius said quietly, kissing Remus's hair and then his forehead, half to test for fever.
"I don't deserve you." Remus said quietly.
Sirius felt frozen to the spot. He didn't know how to react to the statement. It hadn't been said with the usual levity; Remus said it as though he actually believed it. Sirius had never known either of them to speak that phrase outside of the bedroom, and even there it was a joke; and it was Sirius's joke, followed by Remus saying something like, 'don't forget it.' This... this was so *sincere*. Something in Sirius felt like crying, but he swallowed it.
"I'll get a cab. You sit." he said, zipping Remus's Muggle jacket all the way up.
Sirius got a cab within five minutes, even though he was rusty. The ride was quiet and the driver polite. He made no comments or sounds about the way the two men sat so closely with Sirius's arm around Remus, or the occassional kisses pressed to Remus's forehead or temple.
The couple got out in front of their building, and somehow, between them, they had enough Muggle money to pay the cabbie and tip him well enough. Then they climbed the crooked stairs to their third floor apartment. Sirius unlocked the door and ushered Remus inside and then to the bedroom, where he sat him on the bed and began unbuttoning his shirt.
"I can do itd, Sirius." Remus muttered suddenly, pushing Sirius's hands aside.
"I know you can," Sirius said, a little hurt, "That wasn't the point."
Remus slowed down when he heard the hurt in Sirius's voice. He sighed. "I'mb sorry. I didn't mean… huh, ex...scusembe—heysichhh! Ihdjst! Huh, heh, ehtschht!" Remus spun around to face away from Sirius, sneezing weakly into his shoulder. "Ihdjsch, ihpschh! Ih--gischh!"
He heard Sirius pulling tissues from the box on the bedside table and felt them pressed into his hand when he had a moment's pause. He brought them to his face and sneezed twice more into them before blowing his nose. He dropped his hands to his lap, but stayed hunched over and sighed wearily, feeling like a puppet with no puppeteer. He felt warm hands rubbing his shoulders firmly, and he felt his taught muscles melt under the touch.
"I wonder if I can find anything for you to take that will give you a break from that." Sirius murmured.
Remus rolled his head on his neck and groaned out of pleasure for the first time that day.
"God that feels amazing." he said slowly.
"Good. Why don't you lie down and we'll see if we can't get you to sleep a bit, hm?" Sirius said quietly.
Remus let Sirius unbutton his shirt as he slowly pulled off his pants. He lay down on his stomach and Sirius straddled his back, rubbing slowly, firmly. He leaned down close and kissed Remus's neck.
"How do you feel? Are you warm enough?"
"Mmhm." Remus murmured.
"Sleepy?"
Remus nodded and sniffled a little. Sirius leaned over a little and tapped his wand against the lamp beside them, and the light in it flickered out.
"Okay. Love you." Sirius whispered.
Sirius went to get up, but then Remus looked over his shoulder, surprising Sirius who thought he was practically asleep. He seemed to be frowning.
"Did I hurt you?" Sirius asked, moving his weight off of Remus's back.
Remus shook his head. "No, no, ndot at all. I... don't kdnow how to thank you."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Then it's best that you don't. Just sleep, idiot."
"No, I – ihjdsch! Ischh!" he sneezed two tiny, wet sneezes into a curled fist.
"Bless you," Sirius cooed, getting another tissue for him.
"'Scuse mbe."
"No need to apologize, okay? It's silly, don't apologize. Just rest," Sirius said, petting Remus's hair softly.
"In all mby years at school, I dnever would have dreamed I'd see Sirius Black cooing to anybody."
"Hush up."
"Don'td worry, I won'td spread it around."
Sirius kissed his forehead. "You tell anybody you want." he said.
Remus was quiet for a moment. "I'mb so sorry I snapped at you."
"I have no recollection of the event in question."
"I just started to feel like... you can't want this. You mbust get so sick of this."
Sirius frowned. "What are you talking about?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "I dond't dknow. This. I'm kind of... Because you have to do this at least once every single mbonth, and lately it's been every damn day."
"I don't know what..." Sirius trailed off, confused. "Being sick? You think I resent it when you're sick?" Sirius asked incredulously. Remus didn't say anything. "Moony... what have I ever done to make you think that?"
"You haven't done anything. Nevermind."
"I don't understand. Is this about the Registry?"
"What? No."
"What is it, then?"
"Nevermind. I'm just tired."
"Earlier when you said you didn't deserve me, you were kidding, weren't you?"
Remus was quiet for too long before he answered. "Of course." he said weakly.
"Moony. You're worth ten of me and we both know it."
"I'm really very tired."
Sirius frowned, and then sighed. "Can we please talk about this when you wake up?"
"There's nothing to talk about. I'm sorry I brought it up."
Sirius shook his head. "Fine. Sleep. Sleep, feel better." Sirius stood up, leaned over and kissed Remus on the head and then on the mouth. He looked into his face steadily for a moment and spoke quietly. "I love you. I don't resent you. Not ever."
Remus didn't speak for a long moment, but he didn't break their gaze either. Finally, he said, timidly, "That doesn't make sense."
"Why not?"
"Because no one else like mbe has been able to find someone else like you."
Understanding dawned on Sirius. His mind suddenly flashed on all those lonely, sad people at the Registry, shifting between each other, making kissy noises and calling out "queer." That lost little girl. The look on the woman's face when Remus said, "He's with me." The conjuring of that second chair. The fact that it disappeared when Sirius stood to leave.
Remus was looking down at the blankets again. Sirius could almost feel the fever radiating off of him and he was sure that had something to do with this, but it was more than that, too. Through absolute happenstance, Sirius had hit on something real.
"Hey," Sirius urged, "hey, look at me."
Remus reluctantly looked up.
"There is no one else like you." Sirius said.
end