Not Everything
a Harry Potter story
by deeplyintothis
Seeing his face in new light was shocking. It was so strange that people can look so different from day to day, let alone decade to decade. From moment to moment, any movement of the sun seems to reveal a new man in Sirius's skin. Remus feels he's relearning him.
"You don't look well."
"I've got a bit of a cold." Remus says offhandedly, coughing weakly into a fist. The walk here hadn't been the best thing for him, but he felt glad for it. It felt appropriate, and it gave him time to prepare himself.
Sirius seems a little far away. They sit down on the couch together but don't touch for a long time. They are mostly quiet. Sirius is looking at him so intently, so unwavering, but it's such a sweet expression. Like he knows what he's seeing, he knows this man, he just loves to watch him. Remus feels exposed, as direct eye contact always makes him feel, but also connected. He smiles unprompted every few minutes, a little nervous, a little giddy. He coughs intermittently and shrugs, embarrassed in the silence. Sirius's expression stays the same.
After sitting in near silence for about ten minutes, Sirius reaches up and touches his face. Remus doesn't even recognize the feeling of his hand, he's just so surprised, so amazed to be touched. No one has touched him in a very long time.
"What happened at the school?" Sirius asks quietly. Remus is relieved to speak on something he knows, and nervous to speak at all. He breaks the eye contact and looks down, about the level of Sirius's waist and smiles a little as he speaks.
"Dumbledore was good. Very good, always. When it came down to it we both knew I had to leave."
"He fired you?"
"I resigned after the first few Howlers."
Sirius frowned now, for the first time breaking the dull serenity of his face. "What is wrong with people."
Remus shrugged. "It's alright. I'm glad I had the opportunity."
Sirius smiled sadly. "You don't expect enough from us, you know. You never have."
"Who's 'us?'"
"The people who you hope like you and who actually love you."
Remus didn't know how to respond. Sirius touched his face again, moved his hair out of his eyes.
"Is this alright?" he asked quietly. Remus looked up, practically tripping over himself to say yes, yes this is very alright. Sirius kissed him. Remus felt like his whole body was in his face, and his eyes piled up with water, so he kept them closed. Sirius leaned away and Remus's eyes stayed closed, but he felt Sirius ease his body down so he was lying with his back against Remus's chest. Remus blindly put arms around him and rested his chin on the top of Sirius's head and tried to keep his breathing calm. Remus kissed the back of his head.
They moved to cuddle around each other on the couch, all boundaries crossed, all questions answered. Sirius moved behind Remus and put arms around him. They stayed like that for another hour or more, speaking in little bursts. They talked in small, still, unexcited voices about what their lives had been. Sirius said very little about Azkaban, but he talked about his life after, trying to find Harry and Remus and Peter, working up some way to be believed. Remus didn't know what to talk about. He'd had more than a decade of free life, but it seemed suddenly as though he'd done very little with it.
"How have you been living?"
"Uh… I've taken a lot of Muggle jobs."
"Muggle?"
"If your community wants to pidgeon-hole you as a criminal and a deviant, it's been my experience that it's best to remain mostly outside of your community. Plus, Muggles don't notice the cycles of the moon. They aren't looking for people who take a day or two off around the same time every month."
"It always sounds like a menstrual issue when you talk about it like that." Sirius laughed.
It surprised Remus to hear him say the word `always.' As though they'd talked about this last week and the week before.
Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin when the clock chimed. It was two in the morning. Remus watched the way Sirius moved, heard his quick laugh, realizing that he didn't seem in the least bit tired. Thrilling as the evening was, Remus was wearing down. He felt so comfortable and warm here. Every pause in conversation brought him close to sleep. His coughing was getting more insistent; three times he had to pause the conversation to sneeze. At the same time, he wanted to stay here, just here, forever, and while he was tired, he wasn't anxious or worried about how late it was getting. After the two chimes from the clock, Sirius sat up a little, bright-eyed and knowing. He moved Remus's hair again, needlessly, and Remus liked knowing that it was a less-than-subtle excuse to touch him.
"You look exhausted." Sirius said.
"Oh no, I'm fine."
"You've covered four yawns."
Remus shrugged shyly.
"Bed." Sirius said, standing up off the couch and urging Remus up.
"But you're not in the least bit tired." Remus protested.
"I have a fucked up sleep schedule. Come on, love."
Love.
Remus allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and melted against Sirius when he drew an arm around Remus's waist and walked him to the bedroom. Remus paused at the door and took a step away from Sirius to sneeze violently into the crook of his arm. He couldn't stop a weak, shivering sigh afterward as he sniffled and rubbed his nose. A moment later he felt a warmly intimate hand on his back.
"Bless you."
"Thank you." He said, embarrassed by how suddenly stuffy his voice sounded.
"I remember your colds," Sirius said quietly.
Sirius went to the door and flipped out the overhead light so that the only light in the room was the slim shard that fell from the hallway through the half-open door.
"Awful. Used to keep you in the hospital wing an extra week."
Sirius's voice was cool and slow, near a whisper, and it fit perfectly with the dark room and the slow sound of fabric shifting. It was like his speech was just sweet background noise. Remus felt as though he were in a dream.
"When we were living together you were such an idiot. You used to try to cover."
Sirius crossed the room silently to the dresser drawers.
"It became this big production, taking care of you. You fought it every inch of the way."
He shut the drawer he'd opened and walked to Remus. He dropped clothing on the bed.
"Lift your arms. You caught pneumonia once."
Sirius stripped Remus out of the shirt he was wearing, slow but somehow swift and seamless, whispering all the while.
"After that assignment that had you gone for four nights. I wanted to be so mad at you. But then you came back wheezing and shivering."
Sirius undid the button and zipper of his slacks.
"You used to get the same stuffy voice, like now. The same sad little cough."
He picked up a t-shirt from the bed, then a pair of sweatpants.
"You'd lay around the apartment in sweatshirts, sucking Muggle cough drops and saying you were fine."
He pulled on the clothes and rubbed Remus's arms up and down as he felt him shiver.
"You'd go back to work too soon, kisses still tasting like eucalyptus."
Remus felt like he'd had a spell cast on him.
"Remember when you worked that double shift, and I came storming in like an idiot. You thought I'd get you fired, but all I got you was a manager who was constantly asking if you felt alright for the rest of the year."
Sirius kissed him softly, smiling a little.
"How do you remember that?" Remus whispered slowly, eyes half open. Sirius applied gentle pressure to his shoulders, tipping him backwards onto the bed.
"They didn't take everything." He said quietly.