Being Here
a Harry Potter story
by deeplyintothis
Remus was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow, and Sirius envied him. It was the middle of the day, so he couldn't sleep if he tried, but more than that his brain just wouldn't stop. Pnemonia, pneumonia, pneumonia—the word just kept spinning through his head, and it made him shaky and awake. He couldn't lose the feeling he'd had in the Muggle emergency room, watching Remus under harsh lights cough until he couldn't stand, and when he didn't cough he wheezed with every breath. The downward pointing eyebrows of the doctors and the dark circles that grew around Remus's eyes. The way Remus kept asking if they could go home yet, like a sleepy little boy.
Sirius's instint was to sit in the bedroom, not let Remus out of his sight, but some shred of dignity told him that he shouldn't. Instead he went into the living room and sat down on the couch, surrounding himself with his Auror text books and madly scribbling notes for the exam at the end of this week. It wasn't entirely a diversion—it was the most important exam he was probably ever going to take and would determine if or if not he were able to get a job, and he needed to study for it. But he was so preoccupied that his handwriting didn't even look like his own.
He'd seen only stoic, calm Remus earlier at the hospital—Remus listening, Remus getting things done and remaining reasonable and even-handed. He basically hadn't been able to breathe, and yet he was patient and quiet and attentive, and Sirius tried to be the same because he didn't want to freak Remus out or seem like an over-reactive girl in comparison.
But they'd come home and Remus had fallen directly into bed, and it made Sirius feel strange that neither of them had gotten the chance to vent any of the discomfort and nerves that had been taut but unacknowledged in the air. Instead, he was just here, sitting in the quiet alone, scratching on a parchment for two hours.
He looked up for the first time when he heard noise from the hallway. He practically shot off of the couch.
"What's wrong?" he barked, hearing his own voice and feeling ridiculous a moment later. Sirius had crossed the room in what seemed like too long steps, and stood in front of a disoriented, disheveled Remus, who was shaking his head dismissively.
"Nothing, nothing's wrong, just couldn't sleep anymore."
His voice was congested and raspy, barely above a whisper. He coughed lightly after speaking, but he seemed all right besides being worn down.
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, touching his arm tentatively.
Remus nodded. "I'm sure." He wheezed in a quick breath and flinched suddenly, and Sirius held a little tighter to his elbow.
"What?" he asked, that stupid panic back in his voice.
Remus's expression was still shaky and flinching, but he shook his head softly and took a small step away. "N-nothing… just need… to sn—sneeze…"
Sirius exhaled in relief as Remus pulled in another quick breath with a kind of desperate, vocal sound and lifted the white handkerchief he was carrying to press against the lower half of his face. "Huh! HeyidjSCHHHAH! HuhuRUSCHHHAH! KEISCHTTSCHHSH!"
The sneezes hunched him forward, leaving him coughing again for a moment and then blowing his nose loudly until his ears popped. Sirius's relief waned.
When Remus groaned and looked back up at him with watery red eyes, raw nose and chapped lips, Sirius felt a pinching feeling in his chest that made him have to resist wincing. He tugged lightly on Remus's elbow.
"Oh… excuse me." Remus breathed.
"Come on. You should stay in bed. You don't have to sleep—I'll bring you something to eat."
Remus shook his head. "I'd like to stay out here with you, if it's alright."
"Well, why don't I come in there and lie down with you."
Remus glanced at the couch and the piles of books. "You're studying."
"A little."
Remus laughed. "A little? I've been listening to your quill for half an hour."
Sirus smiled and scratched the back of his head. "This fucking test. Bad timing."
"You can't study in the bedroom. Will I be bothering you if I stay out here?"
Sirius shook his head. "Of course not. I just don't want you to get cold. Is your fever down?" he asked, putting a hand on Remus's forehead.
Remus sniffled into the handkerchief. "Think so." He said through the cloth.
He was warm, but not as warm as he had been for the past two days. The antibiotics seemed to be kicking in.
"I'll make up the couch with some blankets, okay?" Sirius said, rubbing Remus's arms up and down. Remus gave him a small smile.
"Thanks."
Remus lay down on the couch and Sirius sat at his feet, scribbling at his parchment, not really aware of what he was writing. Mostly he was just aware of every breath in and out that Remus took, ever sputtering cough, ever sniffle and wheeze. He kept one hand on Remus's ankle, and he tried to make it seem casual, but it was hard to look casual doing all his writing and researching with one hand. Remus was considerate and either didn't notice or pretended not to. And eventually Sirius actually started to focus on his notes. Remus flipped through short books he'd already read, and then closed his eyes for a few minutes.
"Huh… huruSCHHTSHH!" Sirius glanced up to see Remus pitching forward into the handkerchief, which was tightly balled up and damp from sniffling and sneezing into it all day. Sirius looked back down at his parchment as he heard Remus take another stammering breath. "heh-uh… heh, heh, hehptRSUCHHH! huRSUSCHHH!!..Uh, huh. Uhpschhh! Huh… utschhh! …ohhhhhh god."
Sirius looked back over quickly to see Remus wiping his nose with the balled up handkerchief pathetically, making his skin blush an angry pink color. Sirius gave his ankle a little squeeze and then reached to the lamp table and pulled three tissues out of the box there, handing them to Remus, who took them and abandoned the next-to-useless handkerchief to blow his nose loudly into them.
Sirius tentatively slid closer to Remus. There was this strange inability to say what he wanted to say, but a need to be close to him, to feel him, to make some expression. Sirius moved his hand gently up Remus's leg.
"Bless you. Alright?" He tried to sound casual, and he smiled a little. Remus sighed and nodded.
"Yeah."
Sirius nodded a little too cheerily. "Okay."
He looked back at his notes. A few minutes later Remus started coughing, hard. Sirius tried to ignore it for a few minutes, but it just didn't seem to be going away, and his heart was starting to race. He looked over and Remus wasn't blue-lipped like he had been this morning, but he was red-faced, and tears were starting down his face. Sirius stood up, getting behind Remus and sitting him up on couch pillows, then darting into the kitchen and returning with a glass of water. He knelt next to the couch and waited as Remus's fit slowed. He handed him the water, which Remus sipped carefully and then set down. Then Sirius hugged him. Hard. Then he slid behind him on the couch and wrapped his arms around him. Remus gave a startled laugh and looked down at Sirius, whose head was nuzzled close against his shoulder.
"Hey, hey," he said softly, voice rough. "not so close. Don't want you to catch my cold."
Sirius was surprised at the rough tone of his own voice. "Cold, my ass. You've got fucking pneumonia."
Remus kissed Sirius's hair. "But you can't catch pneumonia. You can only catch the cold, silly."
Sirius squeezed Remus closer. "Stop acting like you know everything."
Remus laughed gently and Sirius felt it next to his ear. "Like you know so much about Muggle medicine."
"I can't believe those fuckers at Mungo's wouldn't take you."
"They wouldn't know what to do with me without giving me a potion anyway." He said quietly, turning his head and sniffling into the tissues Sirius had given him a few minutes ago.
"Shhh."
"Oh, bored with me already?"
"No. I'm listening to you breathe."
He heard Remus chuckle again. "That must be riveting."
"It is." Sirius said.
"I could whistle you a little tune in my chest."
Sirius closed his eyes. "Yeah, you could."
"You better sit up, love," Remus said, sounding exhausted.
"Why?"
"Think I'm gonna snehh—oh, sneeze again…"
Before Sirius could respond, Remus was slipping out of his arms and sitting up, swinging his legs over the side of the couch to sit up.
"Uh…huh, extsch!" the first sneeze was en route, while he was sitting up and he didn't have tissues or the handkerchief, so he stifled it with a violent, strained sound. Then he kept the back of his wrist pressed against his nose as he leaned over Sirius to pull two tissues out of the box on the table beside them. He hurried them to his face and sneezed repeatedly, muffled but strenuous and draining. "HuhRUSCHHH! HuhIHDJSCHH! Ihpfschhhhahh! Huh, ah, ha, ahTSCHH!"
Sirius sat up and put his arm around Remus's shoulders, and words just started pouring out of his mouth. "I'm so worried about you…"
Remus curled further in on himself, away from Sirius's touch. "Huh, huhTSCHH! Uh, uh… excuse… `scuse mbe—EISCHHHAHH!"
Sirius pulled more tissues from the box and handed them to Remus, who nodded his thanks quickly. "Ehhhhhirsuchhh!! Huh, huh, itschhhhhah!"
The fit ended with Remus panting into the tissues and coughing to clear his throat. Sirius felt stupid for the too-telling, too-serious statement he'd let slip, so he just patted Remus's back and hoped he hadn't heard him. After a full minute of alternately coughing and blowing his nose, Remus felt collected enough to lean back and drop the tissues to his lap.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you, but I don't want you sick too. How pathetic would we be." Remus smiled, and Sirius knew he'd heard him because he seemed just a little uncomfortable, uncertain of what to say.
Sirius shrugged, looking away. "I don't care. I can just take a potion."
"Yeah, but it would be a pain."
"Shut. Up."
Remus looked at up him.
"Please come here. I can handle a few sniffles."
Remus paused and then leaned back against Sirius, and Sirius laid them both back down on the couch. They were quiet for a minute.
"I knew I'd distract you. You should be studying."
"Hush."
"You need to get a good score. Because you need to get a good job. Because you know I don't intend to work, ever again."
Sirius chuckled. "Going to be a kept man, hm?"
Remus sniffled softly and nodded. "Invalid that I am, how could I not?"
"Don't joke until you're better."
Remus snuggled closer to him and they were quiet for a moment.
"Thank you for being there with me, today."
"Where else would I be."
"I don't know. Getting your nails done." Remus's voice was fading, and he sounded tired again.
"Ready to go back to bed, love?" Sirius asked quietly. Remus nodded.
Sirius pulled the covers up around Remus and got him a new handkerchief out of the dresser. He brought him a mug of tea, decaffeinated, and he lay down next to him, finding his hand under the covers.
"Thank you for being here with me, now." He said quietly.
end